It really is a vicious circle...

As some of you may have heard already, I did not get the job I was interviewed for. They opted to go with someone with more experience.

I'm trying not to get down about it, but the reality is, I'm getting frustrated. I've had five rejections now on the basis that I'm not 'experienced' enough, yet no-one will give me the opportunity to gain that experience. I can only imagine how many have not contacted me at all on that basis.

What really gets me is that I know I'm talented. I have what it takes, I'm a quick learner, and I do a great job. But how does one prove such a thing when no-one is willing to take a risk on you?

It would be nice to get some feedback to know where it is I'm going wrong. But people aren't interested in doing that kind of thing these days.

I'm trying not to lose hope. But some days? I just feel like I'm knocking on a door that's never going to open.

Stop looking at what's lacking, be proud of what you've done.

Especially around this time of year I have a severely bad habit of looking back on my life and feeling like I've gone nowhere and accomplished nothing. Even more-so when I look at my 25 Things to do Before 25 list, realize I have not accomplished half of them, and that the chances of me doing so in two months is 0.

I get so caught up in what I haven't done, that I start to get all mopey and down on myself. I'm still living at home, I'm in debt. My career has nowhere near kicked off. I haven't seen the world. I'm not married. I'm not rich.

I need a swift kick in the ass. I don't remember what I was doing. I think it was a combination of things. Looking at old college photos, and talking with a former classmate about how sad it is to see the potential of so many of our former peers wasting their lives in the small town bar, hopping from abortion to abortion and being regulars in the local jail cells. Whatever it was, it made me realize that I am not the failure I think I am.

It's so easy to get caught up in what I haven't done. But I'm fooling myself if I can't see what I have done.

- I graduated High School only 2% away from being on honour roll.
- Despite being diagnosed with mental illness, and having everything in life come crashing down around me, working full time, and dealing with drama, I graduated a difficult post-secondary education with honours.
- I've seen Florida, South Carolina, Virginia, NYC, Cuba and Las Vegas.
- I've worked as a journalist, even if it was short-lived, and was well-known enough through it that executives at major Tech companies were fans of my work.
- I not only bought my own car, but was able to pay for it entirely at the time of purchase.


I may not have accomplished a million things. But I'd say I've managed to do well by myself.

So the next time I start whining that my life has gone nowhere and I'm a failure, do me a favour. Kick my ass and point me back to this list.

Well worth the wait... and the loss.

Well, as most of you who follow hockey will know already, the Leafs lost to the Senators in a shoot-out. *insert pout here*

Despite that setback however, the game was well worth it. We had a great view of the rink from our seats, despite being up on the third level.

It looks pretty small from up that high, but it was a clear enough view that we could see everything and even make out the players numbers (though, that didn't help me any as I don't really know which player has which number). At some points, I could make out the names on the jerseys though.

It turned out it was Canadian Forces support night, or something like that. They had a whole bunch of the Canadian Forces there, and did a bunch of tributes. They even had the puck brought out for the ceremonial drop in an armed forces jeep, with like 6 guys propelling down from the ceiling.

The tension was clearly huge between the teams the whole game. Several group fights that started. One pretty epic fight.

I'd say, all in all, best Christmas present ever, and I'll totally go again.

It's here it's here!!!

Tonight, I get to go to my FIRST EVER NHL game, and I am over the moon. The boyfriend and I purchased tickets for each other as our Christmas present, and we both have been anxiously awaiting today.

Best of all, we get to see them play against our least favourite team, and hopefully smear the ice with them.

The only downside? It looks nasty outside. It's been snowing and blowing all night long, and the roads look like a nightmare. I'm a little freaked about the drive, but hoping the roads will be in better condition by the time we have to leave.

Will let you all know how it goes, and hopefully have lots of pictures. And hey, maybe, if you're watching the game, we just might end up on the big screen!

Who do I think I am?

A friend passed along this writing challenge for me. The goal is to write a description of yourself as if you were the main character in a novel. For full details, you can see the original Katalina Blog post. Otherwise, check out mine below:

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! CRASH!

The loud noises of a truck backing up and a loud metal bucket hitting the ground jolted Tabitha out of her thoughts. She was supposed to be partaking in a writing challenge dumped on her by her best friend/older sister Marisa, but had found herself completely lost upon not only her own thoughts, but the sound of Star Wars in the background.

Right up until the beeping and crashing occurred.

Tossing her laptop aside (something she knew she should not do, but did so regularly), she bounded up the stairs, attempting to adjust her thick, fuzzy brown socks as she ran. Those socks were always twisting around and sliding off, even when she was just sitting still.

Climbing the stairs she realized despite the warmth outside, the inside of her house was still rather cold, and the cotton tights and green hoodie she wore were just not cutting it.

Peering out the window, and hoping no-one could see her messy blonde hair (which, at this point looked more like a bad mullet than a bob due to it’s unwashed stickiness holding it like a mop on top of her head), she saw the dump truck and plow driving back and forth. The giant machines that were both shaking her house and making an awful racket were attempting to scoop out the snow banks so as to avoid flooding while the temperatures rose. It was amazing to think that just 24 hours ago, those melting banks had towered over her, being at least a foot higher than her fairly short five feet and six inches. It made her feel like a hobbit.

With a sigh, she turned towards the steps, pausing to look at her reflection in the large picture in the front hallway. She grimaced at what she saw staring back at her, and silently thanked God her boyfriend had decided NOT to come over after work that morning.

Her slightly rounded face, pale as usual, was slightly blotchy, and the bluish-black bags under her eyes were only a few shades off from the deep blue of her eyes. She knew she had no right to complain about the bags though, after-all, she had sleep-deprived herself these last few days.

“How the heck am I going to make this sound interesting?” she mumbled, making her way back down the stairs and climbing onto the couch. She wrapped herself in the blanket, picked up her laptop, and chugged half of the fizzy-peach drink she had gotten for herself.

She stared at the scenes of A New Hope flashing across the screen, and contemplated writing her blog challenge as a sci-fi show with herself being the main character, but then got distracted by noticing how much more vivid the blu-ray player was making her dvd look.

“Hehe, I can see his pores!” she giggled to herself.

Her stomach grumbled, and she told it to shut up. She didn’t need anymore food. Not that she was fat, but that she didn’t need to start over-eating again. It had taken a year to get even within ten pounds of her old skinny-weight, and she wasn’t about to waste it because her body felt that being on holidays meant getting to eat all the time.

As her eyelids began to droop while she drummed on the keyboard, she decided it was time for a nap. She saved the current word document she was working on, turned down the tv, and promptly passed out, despite the cold.

FREEDOM BABY YEAH!!

For the first time in I don't know how long, I am actually taking a vacation from work. I'm not going anywhere, but it works out to my benefit.

You see, right now my entire family is away on a mission's trip in Guatemala, leaving me with the entire house to myself. So I figured, why pay $1000 for a hotel room, + food + entertainment for a week, when I have an entire house to myself, food, cable and internet paid for, a car and doing what I want when I want?

So, as of 4pm today, I will officially be on holidays.

And because I'm the uber-cool and awesome person that I am, I'm kicking it off by having my grandma over for dinner. I'm making Eggplant, Feta and Sausage Penne, with italian breadsticks. And once I've eaten my fill and socialized with my awesome grandma? I'll be taking my first bath in years, and pampering myself with the lovely gifts from my Secret Sister (including a bath pillow).

I'm normally not a fan of baths, because you're sitting in your own filth and that just icks me out. But since I just showered this morning, I'm feeling pretty clean, so it won't really be filth I'm sitting in. I intend to curl up with a book, and stay in that tub until I am good and pruny.

And no, there will not be photos documenting tonights adventures. Except maybe the food part.

Don't hate me, it's just my turn...

Today was the first ever Valentine's Day I had to celebrate with someone special. So if you're Anti-Valentine's, don't hate me. This is one good one out of 24 bad ones.

I'm a pretty low-key kind of person. I like big now and again, but really, I'm happy with just spending time together. Greene is not a V-Day person at all. I've never liked it due to the horrible one's I've had in the past.

So when Greene suggested we spend Valentine's evening together cooking dinner, and just spending time together, I was through the roof. He planned out the meal, did most of the cooking, and we had a fantastic evening.

Dinner consisted of Rosemary-Dill-Lemon Chicken, and curried shrimp and veggies on top of rice noodles.

And thus, the following evening ensued:

Outgrowing the hate...

For years, I was an avid hater of Valentine's Day. It wasn't the commercialism that infuriated me, but rather the fact that it succeeded in doing nothing more than making me feel like shyte about myself and reminding me how alone I was.

Chalked full of bad memories from Valentine's Days passed (not getting Valentine's from classmates until the rule was put in everyone had to get one... and then getting one's I knew were given reluctantly), I started a campaign of Anti-Valentine's Day back in high school.

Each year, on top of getting incredibly grumpy, I would sit down and write a blog post about how much Valentine's Day sucked, and how unfair it was to thrust upon the single community the fact that they were alone. I even wrote an essay one year about how much I hated it.

The passion to whine about it died off sometime near the end of college, though the moping didn't. The first couple of years, I spent it sobbing on my couch while eating all the junk food I could find.

Then somewhere along the lines, it turned into a ME day. I'm not sure how that revelation struck, but it did, and I found myself able to ignore the 'lovey dovey' aspect, and instead direct the negativity towards the commercialism of it.

I found it was a great way to spend the night; watch a few of my favourite chick-flicks, and treat myself to a dinner of my choice (usually wings or pizza, because they're my favourite foods). While I can't deny I still found myself crying over the heartache of not having someone by the end of the night, it was not near as bad as when I bitterly wept in anger at the world.

This year will be my first Valentine's Day with someone. We're not doing anything hugely special. Keeping it low-key, just dinner that we'll make together and movies. But you know, I realized something the other day, pulling in from my attitude from just before I met him... this Valentine's Day probably wouldn't have ended in tears if I was alone anyways, because I'm no longer reliant on all that. I finally learned to be comfortable in my single-ness (and I can't deny that I believe that's what fate was waiting on for me to be able to meet someone).

So, if you are single and lonely today, don't look at today as something to feel lonely and depressed about. Instead, use it as a day to pamper yourself, to remind yourself you are amazing, beautiful, and that you don't need a man or woman to be the most fabulous you! If spending it alone is too hard, find a couple of close friends, and have that night with them! But always remember, Valentine's is about love and love is not limited to romantic relationships!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!

Two weeks of freedom in the form of adult responsibility...

Any of you who have lived/do live with your parents probably understand what I mean when I say living at home strips me of my adult-hood. It makes me lazy/unwilling to do housework and get things done ahead of time because if someone else isn't already utilizing the things I need, I'm being nagged CONSTANTLY by the parents. It's frustrating, and makes me completely the opposite of willing when it comes to helping out around the house.

Yesterday, my parents, sister and her boyfriend left for a two-week mission trip to Guatemala. Which means I get the house to myself (and of course, can have *Greene over WHENEVER I want), and can do what I want when I want.

It also means, I tend to be far more productive. I enjoy cooking dinner, getting caught up on housework and keeping things tidy. In a span of two hours make an epic playlist, hook my computer up to the house stereo, get dinner started, do my laundry, clean the kitchen, go grocery shopping, put away said groceries, finish dinner (Homemade spaghetti, garlic bread and black forest cake), make my lunch for the next for days, eat dinner, watch Big Bang Theory, wash all the dishes, finish watching my laundry AND still had time to hang out with Greene.

All that was made possible because of the sweet, sweet taste of freedom. It's only been 24 hours, but already I'm being reminded of what I miss most about having my own place.

Tonight's agenda: Dinner with Greene (Pot roast, veggies, homemade gravy and mashed sweet potatoes), fold laundry, research newspaper of job I am interviewing for on Saturday, pack a lunch, and early to bed.

Things I am not looking forward to: Getting up at 5:30am tomorrow morning to do my hair and makeup to leave for interview at 6:30am to ensure arrival in time for 9:00am. Driving the two hours back to town to get ready to go to work from 3pm-10pm.

*For all the new followers -- Greene is my boyfriend, aptly nick-named as such by my best friend.

Big Bang Yourself - The Dream Edition

While being a secret agent Jedi Master named Agent Matrix has been a recurring theme in my dreams since childhood, having actual TV shows/movies and their characters has been incredibly rare. I’ve had the odd dream here and there about those things, but nothing recurring. Not even when I’ve been watching shows non-stop.

But all that has changed since Big Bang Theory. Now, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but both the show, the characters, and the actors have become semi-regular guest stars in the craziness that are my dreams.

So far, I have dreamt I was Penny’s roommate, dreamt I was Leonard’s girlfriend (that one makes sense, I have a huge crush on Leonard), dreamt I was Sheldon’s girlfriend (um, what? I don’t even find him attractive!), dreamt Raj was my boss, they all moved to my hometown, that I had an interview with Bill Prady, that I was a writer for the show, that I was dating Johnny Galecki (Leonard) and last night was the weirdest of them all.

Last night, I dreamt that our town mall (which is actually just an indoor strip plaza, hardly meriting the label ‘mall’) was hosting auditions to star on the show. So of course, I showed up to audition. The audition consisted of doing a scene where you act like Amy Farrah Fowler for five minutes, then take on the role of Penny, then Bernadette, interacting with each of the other actors as those three characters would. By time I arrived, auditions were nearly over, but I managed to convince the lady in charge that I deserved a shot because this show was the world to me.

So anyways, I get into the audition, and I totally nailed it. The guys all thought I was awesome, except Johnny, who apparently was a giant asshole. I mean, this guy was just plain mean. The guys offered that I could come back with some paper or something and get an autograph, and when I came back, Johnny freaked out on me. Apparently, by my saying I loved the show and thought he was a great actor, it meant that I was declaring my undying, clingy and stalkerish love to him, because that was exactly what he was yelling at me about.

When I pointed out that I was quite happy with my boyfriend, and admiring his skills did not mean I was a stalker, he called me a liar and pointedly told me that I ‘had no idea what I was talking about’.

From there, I must have gotten the part, because the guys came over to my house for a party, and Johnny continued to be a dick.

I don’t remember much else, but at the end of the dream, Johnny tried to kiss me, and I was all ‘What’s your problem dude?’ and just as he was about to respond, my alarm went off.

And you know what the worst part of all this was? I woke up stressed out from arguing with Johnny IN MY DREAM.

My mind is a severely strange place.

Karoke Blogring of Death: The Love/Anti-Love Edition.

Welcome reader's to February's KAROKE BLOGRING OF DEATH! As it is Valentine's Day this month, the votes piled up for Love and Anti-Love songs.

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but one of my favourite parts of this is getting to know new bloggers and the excitement of waiting in anticipation to find out who you'll be hosting on your own blog.

When I got Sara's e-mail notifying me, I nearly peed my pants. Okay, not quite. But I did let out a kind of girlish squeal that is a very uncommonly omitted sound from me. You see, I have the honour of hosting the lovely and talented Alexandra the Tsarista. She thinks she's making a fool of herself. I think her videos are kind of epic. But I'll leave that for you to decide.

So, here is the wonderful Tsarista rocking Keisha Cole!

The Tsarista Sez: "I clearly cannot sing like Keyshia Cole, and reviewing this video is embarrassing with all the random hand gestures I made. I wanna scream at myself in the video "Enough with
the finger-pointing, already!"

Also, if you want to see me make an idiot of myself again, head on over to Allie's blog at Little Skeleton. And while you're there, check out her blog too! It's pretty cool.

I've got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine...

You know why?

Because all of those ZILLIONS of resumes I sent off FINALLY paid off.

I just got an e-mail, I have an interview for the Editor In Chief position of a University Newspaper Saturday morning at 9am. I was so excited reading the e-mail, I actually stopped breathing for a minute there.

Now, I know it's only an interview, and it doesn't mean I have the job. But still, it's an interview. Which is more than I have had in the last year of job hunting in the journalism field. I just hope that should I land it, it will be everything I hoped for.

So keep your fingers crossed people, because I'll be leaving at 6:30am to make a 9am interview!

The only downside? It's going to be a seven-on-one interview! Oh man... oh man. Now I'm nervous!

Flesh eating humanoid monsters will be the death of me...

Or at the least, the death of Nathan Drake about a million times over.

Just before Christmas, my buddy had me try Uncharted 2, and I fell in love. The game was everything I wanted to play; an RPG with a great adventure story, the ability to blow the crap out of millions of adversaries, and amazing guns. I plowed through it, and ran out and bought the first one.

LOVE IT. Only. There's this part with these flesh-eating humanoid monsters that eat your face off if you don't blow through them fast enough.

Now, there's a reason I don't watch Zombie movies. I have this thing, where I just can't take humanoids/human creatures that eat other humans. Maybe it's the whole cannibalism thing I can't get past. Maybe it's the whole living dead thing (though, I'm not sure about that, as Vamps are technically living dead... and they don't bother me).

Whatever the reason, unfortunately, I have spent the last month trying to beat the same part. Unfortunately my dislike/fear of flesh-eaters is so strong that playing it actually causes me to have a temporary anxiety attack while playing.

And so, for the first time ever, I had died about 100 times in the same spot... solely because I have an actual fear of zombie-creatures.

So if anyone knows how to remotely beat a PS3 game for me, I'm open to offers ;)

I am an excellent steward of money... except when I have none.

My debts have been crashing in around me lately, especially in lieu of me dropping my Blackberry in a snowbank and it shorting out. Because I don't have the money to do any of the options available, should they not be willing to fix it under warranty.

But, that's not the point of this post.

I realized something a while back that really bugs me, and at the same time makes me wonder why the heck my brain simply doesn't get it.

I've never been good with money. Well, that's not entirely true. Whenever I've really wanted something, I've done fabulously at saving up for it. At setting aside that money, and not making a move until I had every last penny saved up.

When I went away to college, I managed to get about $3000 into my savings account as I ended my second year, and moved into my own apartment. I went out a lot, but I was incredibly cautious with my spending.

And then I lost my job, and wound up in huge debt. I've spent the last 3 years trying to get myself out of that debt, only to find that I have gone further in debt. Each year since that first massive debt, my annual income has fallen short a minimum of $2000 of what I owe in minimum payments alone at the end of the year. As one can imagine, this makes it incredibly difficult not only to save, but to pay off debt as well.

Apparently, my reaction has something to do with my being bipolar. There's this manic side that has to do with the need to spend money. Lots of it. And, after tracking it now for some time, I've discovered there's actually a trigger to that manic response -- the knowledge that it is going to be nearly impossible for me to get out of debt. I panic, and I spend more money to cheer myself up.

As you can imagine, this is a VERY bad bad bad habit. And now, I'm paying dearly for it.

I've never been the type to learn lessons easily, and I doubt I ever will be. But now that I've learned what my problem is, I'm not quite sure how to break it. Especially when there is still not enough income to get me started.

I think if I were to win the lottery tomorrow, I would be able to put myself on a good, solid financial track. Budgeting and all that. But since that won't happen, I'm stuck trying to figure out how the heck one budget's their way out of debt when there are no apparent job options, and income is floundering?

Anyways. As I'm sure you can tell from this post, as this all boils to a point, I am finding myself incredibly frustrated and wondering what the hell I can do.

*sigh* I miss being a kid.

Your darkest secrets exposed..

Courtesy Google Images

Do you ever find yourself wondering if any of the things you blog or Facebook about will ever become a road block on the way to getting a job?

It's amazing the things that people can find these days, and I know more than once, I've had to go back and check to make sure I'm not doing anything that could get me in trouble. Because the truth is, I've been the one to get in trouble before.

The funny thing is, you can have your security settings jacked all the way up, posts set on private, and yet somehow, someone can still find you. The slip of a keyword or tag; allowing a friend to see things, who turns out to be the friend of a friend of someone you work for.

I had a private LJ blog, with the full security settings you could have at the time. My posts were private. By the point things came back to bite me, I'm pretty sure I didn't even use it anymore. That LJ was a thing of the past.

One of the biggest things I think we forget about when doing things on the net is that there are times when our actions can have negative repercussions for those connected to us.

I received a phone call from my father one night, furious about something posted on the internet that had caused an issue for him at work. This post he was talking about I didn't even remember writing. It was nothing that I had done to destroy the company, nothing that I had written to slander the company, but in my anger at a situation that had arisen at work, I made the fatal mistake of calling the company by it's nickname. A nickname that it turned out the boss's daughter must have known, because lo and behold, the post was found, and she gained access to it.

Now, not only had my own rapport come into question, but because this company I had worked for was also one my dad worked for, I had now called his into question as well.

What's all this got to do with anything? Well, everything really. In the past year, I've heard of at least four people that I knew who were affected by the simplest thing posted on Facebook or a blog. People who's jobs have been lost and lives turned upside down. People who thought they were doing things anonymously and with high security.

So, just to put it out there -- if you haven't been careful in the past, I urge you to start doing so. You never know when someone is going to make a connection. The internet may provide us with a space for free speech and doing what we want, but once it's on here, it's here forever.

I don't really know why I'm posting about this. I can't say any of you that I mutually follow are guilty of this to what I've seen. But, the topic wouldn't leave my mind, so maybe someone out there just needed a reminder.

Or maybe, I'm just crazy.