Geeky Ambiguous Me....

Back, back, back I say!

2012-02-28T21:42:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone!

Just wanted to let you know that I am back from Guatemala. Have lots and lots to tell, but will ask that you bear with me a few more days, as I am still trying to get organized (and managed to get a temp job for a few weeks, WOOHOO!)

Goodbye, farewell, adieu!

2012-02-10T12:00:00.007-05:00

Well, it has finally come! The day I leave on the Mission's Trip!

By the time you all get this, I will be on my way to Guatemala via Miami.

Please forgive me for not updating, but I will not have internet access.

If you want to see what we're up to, you can check out the Mission Team Blog!

Love you all and will let you know how it went when I get back!

I wants it my preciooouusssss.....

2012-02-08T19:34:00.001-05:00

Just because this blog has been lacking a little geeky lately, thought you all might enjoy the snapshot of one of the conversations I had with Scott prior to getting the ring.

Today, Let's Talk

2012-02-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

If you live in Canada, and your cell phone provider is Bell, then today, you have a chance to make a difference.

If you know someone in your contact list who is a Bell user, you too have the chance to make a difference.

Today is Bell's Let's Talk day, in support of Mental Health awareness. For every text sent and every long distance call made by Bell customers, they will donate 5 cents to Mental Health research.

Today, we fight to break the stigma.

Mental Illness doesn't make you less of a person.

It doesn't make you crazy, it doesn't mean that your life is forfeit.

It can be beaten.

Don't believe me? Then look no further than me for proof.

I have struggled with depression, anxiety and everything that goes with is since I was 6 years old. I've cut, I've attempted suicide, I've had manic episodes, I've even run my life into the ground because I didn't know I could fight. I didn't know that I didn't have to succumb to it.

Two years ago, I was officially diagnosed with BiPolar II disorder. I talked. I got help.

Now? I live life normally. I get up every day, I smile, I laugh. I am a good worker, I can maintain a regular job. I have relationships. I'm calm when I used to be angry.

I may have BiPolar, but that doesn't mean I AM BiPolar.

Mental Illness doesn't define you. Your life is yours. You can beat it.

So today, Let's Talk.

Let's beat the stigma.

Let's change lives.

We need to talk.... Part 2 of the Weekend Story

2012-02-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

About half an hour before we were heading out for his dad's birthday dinner, Scott tells me he forgot to get a birthday card, and that we need to go out and get one. I might have been *slightly* annoyed, as I could not figure out for the life of me how he had forgotten to get his father a card when he had been going on about this birthday dinner for several days now, and we had been at Walmart, in the card section, more than once.

I pointed this out on the drive, and he sort of chuckled and shrugged it off. By the time we got the card and headed out to the car, I was getting worried his family would be waiting on us at the restaurant. We paid, and as we we were walking out to the car, he stops for a second.

"So, uhm," he began, looking very serious and sounding kind of ominous, "We need to have a serious talk. Would you mind driving down to the beach before dinner?"

My heart stopped. The sound of his voice terrified me, and I had no idea what we would need to talk about that would require making his family wait on us.

"Fine."

We got in the car, and I acted all cool and calm, but inside I was freaking out. At one point, I wondered if he was going to break up with me, then decided he couldn't be dumping me because that would be a REALLY dick move to do it the night after that amazing date, while we're two hours from home at his parents place.

When we got to the beach, he asked if we could get out and walk around. It was freezing cold, and the sun was setting over the lake, waves crashing. We quickly discussed how strange it was for the beach not to be frozen, and the lack of snow, before he shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking.

I went quiet like I always do when I'm worried something wrong is about to happen. My stomach was in knots.

After about a minute of silence, he spoke up.

"So... we're both in a pretty tight financial situation right now. Are you sure its such a wise idea for us to be considering opening a savings account together?"

Again, my heart stopped. My mind didn't even race. I was just terrified. I began stuttering and explaining why it was still a smart idea and how I thought it would work.

He didn't answer. His lack of response caused my mind to kick into high gear.

Oh my gosh. He's going to break up with me.

No, he can't break up with me. That would be an asshole move. He's not an asshole.

So then what could he be saying?

Oh my gosh. He doesn't want to marry me.

That last thought and my stomach plummeted.

"So, sweetie," he continues, "We have had some problems and stuff along the way..."

At this point, I kind of stopped hearing what he was saying. My mind was in a total frenzy. I didn't understand, I was so confused.

He paused mid-sentence, and sighed. "Aw, the breakwall is covered in ice."

Now, I was even more confused. What did the breakwall have to do with this? (The breakwall is a big long wall with a walkway on it out into the lake).

He shrugged and we walked over towards the harbour in silence. He hadn't touched me the entire time, which was worrying me. The last time a guy had 'a talk' with me and didn't touch me, it was because he was breaking up with me.

We reached the edge of the harbour, and despite my nerves I had to marvel at how different it was from the lake. Thick layers of ice had formed in between all of the docks, with chunks that were running from up to 20 feet long, cracking here and there.

"Wow, lots of ice huh," I said, still unsure of where things were going.

He agreed and then started talking suddenly about marriage, and the work it takes. I still had no idea where it was going, and was really confused.

"Well, obviously its not always going to be good times," I said. "I mean, there is a reason why they say for better or worse." I rambled on a bit more, not looking at him.

"I know."

Okay, so what was next.

He took a deep breath, and I turned to look at him.

"The last few months has been amazing. You make me so happy and I love being with you. I love you so much."

I frowned at this point, completely and utterly confused. Two minutes ago, it sounded like he wanted to break up. Now he's talking marriage and how much he loves me?

I can't be sure, but I think I may have uttered at this point how confused I was.

He turned slightly away for a second, hand in his pocket again, then dropped to one knee and held out a small box with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

"Will you marry me?"

I burst out in tears, half from excitement, half from sheer exhaustion from the argument that had been going on in my mind for the last ten minutes.

"Yes!" I gasped through the tears.

After putting on the ring, we hugged and kissed and stood there laughing and crying in each others arms.

"I love you so much and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you," he said.

"Ditto."

Needless to say, when we got to the restaurant, there was not any irritation over our lateness, but much surprise and celebration.

His mom had been on the whole thing, and so was VERY excited when we arrived with the glittering diamonds on my ring finger.

During all the excitement, his mother took a short video of us. I thought I'd share it with you all too. :)

The one post I'm allowed to go all mushy...

2012-02-07T14:49:00.000-05:00

This weekend Scott and I headed up to his hometown to spend some time with the fam and celebrate our 6 month anniversary. I knew he had something planned, but had to wait to find out what it was. Thursday night we spent playing board games with mom and his brother (and I got my rear handed to me in Monopoly). We stayed up way later than I've been up in a while, watched a few episodes of the OC, and went to bed.

When I got up Friday morning, Scott popped out of his room, gave me a kiss and asked if I wanted pancakes for breakfast. I was *starving*, so I said yes, so long as they wouldn't take a long time to make. I hopped in the shower, got ready for the day, and came out to find a dozen red and white roses on the table, and a pancake in the shape of a heart.

The roses were absolutely stunning. They were the first flowers that I had ever received from any guy, and I may have teared up just a little bit when I saw them and the heart shaped pancakes.

Later that night we got all dressed up to go out to dinner at Scott's surprise date place. I spent way more time on my hair and makeup than I have in a very, very long time, and even wore a dress and heels for the location.

Dinner was at a fancy Swiss Restaurant called Andre's, and I had the most amazing and delicious steak I have ever had.

I'm not going to lie. I actually thought Scott might propose while we were out. We had been talking marriage and engagement for a while, and I really thought he was going to propose while out. So, I was a little disappointed when he didn't.

Still though, he had totally outdone himself, and all I could think of was how amazing he is and how special I felt. An entire evening dedicated just to us. I don't think I had had anyone put that much effort into a special night with me in my whole dating history. All night, he kept telling me how beautiful I looked and how happy he was to be with me.

On the way home, we picked up a bottle of champagne then went back to his parent's house, where he led me by the hand into my room for the next surprise.

Since I will be in Guatemala over Valentine's Day, our special anniversary date also doubled over as an anniversary date. He even bought a chick-flick for us to watch together.

Needless to say, I was a VERY happy girl that night, even without the ring. I was so happy and felt so special and loved.

The weekend however, was not over. Saturday was his dad's birthday, so we all were planning to go out for dinner. But apparently, the surprises were not over for me either yet...

Stay tuned for the continuation of this story!

I'm freaking out, man!

2012-02-01T17:13:00.000-05:00

I'm sure many of you have been, are or are about to fall into this boat. Job hunting for a full time job during a time when the only full time jobs on the market want 15+ years experience and are senior level positions.

There are times when I start to wonder if getting that post-secondary education was just a waste of time and money. I don't doubt my skills for a second, but I do doubt how I'll ever be able to prove them.

I'm worried. I'm scared that I'm going to end up not being able to secure anything beyond a part-time job, living my life barely scraping past the welfare line, in debt up to my ears, never quite making it past 'barely surviving'.

The truth is, when it comes to hunting for a job and sending in applications, I feel like an ant lost in the middle of a department store. I have no idea where to turn, what to say, who to chase. I literally feel so overwhelmed that all I can do is stress about not knowing where to go next.

There was a day when I was pro at job hunting. I never applied for a job that I didn't get an interview for, and I never interviewed at a job I didn't get an offer for.

But since college, it's been different, and I have to say, it's been discouraging.

Once I started at SPC, I thought all that had changed. I didn't think I would need to worry for at least a little while.

Now, I'm kinda freaked out. And I know things will all work out. I know to trust in God, and I have peace that God will take care of me. I just have no idea how to go about all of this.

So if any of you are pro-job hunters, I would love a few tips on how to go about this. Because in the words of that dude from super troopers "I'm freaking out man!"

Well, I didn't see that one coming.

2012-01-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, it seems my life has been one of those where when everything is going well, something major always has to go wrong.

It seems this year there is no exception to that rule. As of 5 1/2 hours ago, I am no longer employed. Due to a lack of work and funds, the company I was working for had to let me go.

As I sat in the office, listening to it all, it took a moment for me to wrap my head around it. I've never been fired or let go before, and as I sat there, my heart was pounding so hard I was surprised my boss couldn't hear it echoing off the walls.

It's a strange feeling; I'm leaving the company without any ill thoughts and they are definitely doing what they can to help me out.

And it sucks. I'll admit, I'm terrified. I owe 900$ a month in payments right now, and without any income, I'm kind of screwed.

Oddly enough though, I'm also at peace about it. And its really strange because normally when something like this happens my first reaction is to give God the finger and run off fighting tooth and nail to make it on my own, to make it work and to make it happen. This time though, I'm able to sit here and trust that this is happening for a reason. Trust that God closed this door so that He can open another one.

And as I sat there praying and praising on the drive home, I realized that God has actually been preparing me for this moment. First, I applied to two jobs that I definitely wasn't qualified for, and hadn't even been looking for. Upon applying for those jobs, not knowing why, I suddenly got the urge to be proactive -- I followed the one company (World Vision) on Facebook and Twitter, started working on updating my resume and even started my new faith blog. Then, I decided to attend a Social Media and Job Searching seminar at my old college. After the seminar, I promptly started making the changes necessary to my LinkedIn and everything, for no real reason -- I was certain at that moment that I had nothing to worry about.

So, I end this week with the biggest curveball I have ever faced. And I'm terrified. There is a large part of me that is saying I'm completely screwed and there is nothing I can do about it. But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful and I am confident that I am going to go somewhere. There just might be a few more tears before I get there.

A post about nothing at all

2012-01-26T11:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever gone to a burger joint, ordered a burger, and as you sat down to eat it realized that it was the most perfect looking burger you have ever seen? Like, everything was put together so meticulously it looked like it just popped out of a commercial or off a poster?

Well A&W just did that. I was going to post a picture, but by the time I thought of that I had already eaten half of it.

Anyways.

I just thought I would share with you all.

The people in the internet are people too... probably more real too.

2012-01-20T04:25:00.000-05:00

Just over two years ago now, my life fell apart. And it was the people in the internet who helped me through it.

Three years ago, I thought my life was on track. I was working full time in ministry, I was constantly surrounded by inspiring and amazing people, and for once in a really long time I had people I would consider to be good friends.

I had gone from socially inept to able to form friendships easily. From shying away from people to speaking up and getting to know them.

I thought I was moving forward in life. Until a few months later, I was sliding backwards so quickly that I didn't even realize it. Or maybe I did, but thought it would be okay because of all the people I trusted. But then one day, my whole life fell apart. I was suddenly becoming this absolutely crazy person of my childhood that I thought I had buried. I was lashing out at people, I spent evenings fighting thoughts of suicide and the only place I felt at home was the couch, in front of the tv where I could live the lives of people who didn't exist all the while forgetting about my own.

Until one night, I snapped. Completely. The girl who had always been terrified of making a scene went off on her parents over something stupid in a restaurant. The entire night is still a blur, but the snap went into a two hour long screaming fest with my parents. Words coming out that weren't even real but I had no control over. Shredding my arms with my own fingernails as we argued in the car without fully even realizing what I was doing. My mind not even processing. When a slight moment of clarity came and my throbbing arms gave indication to what I had done, I showed my mother explaining I didn't know what was happening.

When my parents told me I needed to leave the camp and move home to get help, my world crumbled. I didn't know what to do, what to think. I didn't want to leave, and as I calmed myself on the drive home, I told myself that I was really fine. I could do this. I was okay. And I believed it. Until I got through my apartment door and the person who said they would be there for me upon my return was gone. With a message that she had gone out with another friend and would be home later.

And I cracked. The night is still a blur, but I remember a feeling of abandonment and betrayal beyond what is healthy. And then. I was no longer me. It was like I was watching my life through someone else's eyes but had no control. I couldn't think. I can remember walking to the kitchen, grabbing a pair of scissors, yet having no actual knowledge of what I was doing. Not even realizing what I was doing until my arms were bloody and sore to the point that it snapped me back to reality.

In that moment I realized that my parents were right. That something was not right with me. The level of devastation, hopelessness and darkness I felt, the feelings I had been trying to ignore being there for months, were not healthy. They were not normal. And what was worse was that they had no reason for being there.

I made the decision to go and get help. Although I had already self-diagnosed myself years earlier, the doctors seemed adamant that I was wrong and had been treating me with medication that actually caused a backfire. It was time to go to someone who could do more than just hand me a bottle of pills, and unfortunately, that meant leaving my life in ministry.

I knew in my heart anyways, that not leaving would have been worse. Even if I had been able to get all the time off needed to recover, the blind and broken make terrible leaders, and I couldn't allow myself to continue in a role of leadership when I was barely managing to stay afloat.

Just before leaving, I did the hardest thing I had ever done. I faced everyone I was associated with and told them the truth. People who I thought were my friends and who promised to be there for me through it all. I left feeling encouraged that I didn't have to go through it alone...

And then I never heard from them again. Facebook messages and text messages went unanswered. The few times I encountered them in town was awkward, they would glance down at their feet, around at everyone else -- clear signals that being near me made them feel uncomfortable.

The first couple of months at home were the hardest. Knowing that people who had claimed to be your friends, who had promised to support and help you really wanted nothing to do with you was the most earth-shattering thing I had experienced. It meant my whole world, beyond just how I felt, had really been a lie. I don't know why they did it. To this day, I still don't know if any of them had ever considered me a friend before that or if they had just pretended to keep things civil. To this day, I'm positive most of the people I hung out with didn't even really like me, that I was too weird, too off-balance, too not-normal. After all, that was the reaction I was used to from people.

But I do know that I was so heart-broken I locked myself away. I realized I had become someone so needy, someone so desperate just for a friend that the idea that all of these people had really not cared made me begin to question all the ones that did (and there were those, the few who are still around today). To suspect ulterior motives in each of them. And at that point I realized *I* had to step back. Out of fairness to the people who did care, I had to remove myself.

I blocked and deleted all of the people who had hurt me, removing the possibility of me facestalking and agonizing over them. And then realizing I had to do it all alone, I cried, and I cried and I cried. The friends I removed myself from had no idea what I was going through. After the reactions of the people who I had considered closest, I couldn't even risk how they might react. So when I knew I needed help, love and understanding the most, I decided to face it alone.

But then something happened. Something wonderful that changed my life. I stumbled across a blog during my search to find more blogs to read that had a badge on it for a site called 20 Something Bloggers. Curious, I followed through. It was a site dedicated to bloggers in their 20's, to be able to connect, find other blogs, share their own. Thinking it was the most brilliant idea since blogging, I joined the site and did something I had stopped doing.

I engaged.

Within weeks, I started discovering blogs of people I understood. Stories that moved me, and pages upon pages of people who were seemingly so real in what they blogged about. I was so enthralled by these people, I started participating in chats, coming quickly to see that they were indeed as real as what I thought they were.

Within months I had become forming friendships with people I had never seen and may never meet, but who made a huge impact on my life. These were people who actually liked me -- who made it clear they liked me, just as I was. Who actively started to become involved in my life. Over the last two years, these people have become more than just usernames -- they have become some of the largest influences in my life. They are people I have the opportunity to share in my life, as I share in there's regularly. People who reach out when they haven't heard from me for a while, just to see if I'm alive.

There are so many people in my life who make it clear they think I'm crazy with these relationships. I don't have to explain why I'm not, because all of you who know who you are, know exactly what I mean.

There was a time where differing from online friends to real life friends was a matter of stating reality. Now, it's simply become a way to differentiate the circles.

Because these online friends? As hard as it is for a lot of people to grasp, they are my real friends. Friends that I get to talk with regularly, tweet with all day, and even skype date once in a while. Friends I can confide in and know that they will not turn their backs and hightail it.

Friends who I am pretty sure I will have for a long time to come.

Because lets face it, if there wasn't time, distance, oceans, international borders and a huge amount of farmland and cities separating us, I'm pretty sure that myself and most of these people would be absolutely inseparable.

And for those who have scoffed and laughed at me in the past, I just shrug and point out the facts. Most people leave my life within two years of meeting me. 90% of people I would have called 'Best Friend' wanted nothing to do with me after less than a year.

The person I would call best friend? I met online when I was 15. We still talk every day.

So dare I say it, the people in the internet have been more real to me than many in my life ever have. And while there are those in my life who have been real, and who I can count on, I know that too, these friends I have made over the last two years I could trust with my life.

You all know who you are.

And so I guess this big long story is really a long-about way for me to say thank you to all of you, for liking me just as I am. For making a difference in my life. For reminding me that I can have faith in people, because for every sucky person in the world, there are at least 5 awesome ones.

<3

Now you're just somebody that I used to know...

2012-01-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen this on Youtube yet, watch this video -- its absolutely incredible. My dad actually knows the guy on the far right. I can't get enough of this. So great.

If you want to make a difference, do something...

2012-01-12T21:17:00.000-05:00

You have to start somewhere right?

So here I am, starting.

I've started a new blog. It's not to replace this one. The new one has a specific purpose. It is about faith. It's about ministry. It's about mission and laying out what God is pressing on my heart. It's focused.

And if you're interested in following my journey, I'd love to have you.

You can check it out at Standing on Toes

It's going to be raw, it's going to be real, and if I'm really doing what I should be, it's going to be controversial at times.

The King's Whore

2012-01-11T12:06:00.000-05:00

A couple year's back I started writing a random story that popped into my head -- at the time, no real plot had come to mind, no real trail for the story to follow. I wrote it out, shoved it on one of my random blogs (of which I have too many, and have finally deleted most), and forgot about it. Since no-one really read that blog, there was no feedback, which only further assisted in me forgetting about the tale.

As I went through collecting the posts I wanted to keep, I stumbled across it again. As I read it over, I realized that I actually like the story a lot, and the plot has started formulating in my mind. However, because there are so many stories I have that I need to work on, I'm not sure if putting them aside for this fresh one is a good idea. Thus, I am looking for feedback -- not on the actual writing itself, as I just randomly pounded it out one day and left it as it was -- but on the start of the story itself. Does it sound like something you would want to read? Is it intriguing enough to captivate you without giving so much away that there would be nothing left worth reading it for?

Any and all feedback is welcome.

Prologue

Whoever said freedom is the one thing man cannot take away from you clearly lived a posh and protected life. That’s not to say they never experienced death and destruction, or that they never witnessed pain and sorrow, but rather that they'd never experienced what it’s like to have everything stripped away. To have your pride broke, your soul shattered, and to watch your loved ones lose their lives. To have those you once called friends become your greatest enemies.

It’s not an enjoyable experience. Many a man and many a woman have gone through such an ordeal and lost everything. Everything holding them together is shattered and they find there is nothing for them to cling to in order to make it through the day. The give up and give in, either living out the rest of their days in broken silence, or bringing their life to a short and brutal ending.

People wouldn’t fight wars in the name of Freedom if it wasn’t something that could be taken away or lost by the hand of others.

Most of the world takes freedom for granted. They’ve never experienced what it’s like to have it ripped away from you. They become complacent about their freedom, and begin to treat those lacking it with an attitude suggesting that they are at fault for losing it. That they allowed themselves to be captured and have life stripped away.

I was one of them once. Even in my poverty I became complacent about freedom. I took each and every moment of it for granted. It was as it should be, and there was never any fear it would be taken away. Even in witnessing it happen to others I was still naïve enough to believe it would never happen to me. Oh, if only I hadn’t been so stupid. Somehow, my knowledge of what might be faced could have potentially protected me from the present I now find myself in.

Wallowing in the past however, never helped anyone change their present. I will not fade away to be remembered only as someone unfortunate enough to lose. I will not take my own life to escape the hell I have been thrown into. But I will fight. I will figure out a way to win my freedom back, and I will walk away from this the victor.

Chapter One

The fireworks flashed brightly outside, crackling and booming as they showered over the festival. Villagers cheered and danced; moving to music that barely drifted to my tower window.

Were I any younger, and slightly more naïve, I might have convinced myself I was actually a princess, trapped up in this tower until the love of my life found and rescued me. For whatever reason, growing up prevents one from being able to believe in such listless fantasies.

The sad truth was, being locked in this tower, unable to leave unless summoned bore me the only freedom I had these days. At least in the tower, I could think my own thoughts, and fill my time how I wanted. Here, for the little amount of time I spent in this dank and damp room, I was able to be myself.

The bright colours reflected off the lake as more fireworks showered down over the celebration. This was the closest I would ever get to that festival again.

“Why are we the only ones in the palace not to attend festivities?” a shakey and quiet voice spoke from behind me.

Adelle, a girl several years younger then me pushed past and stood on her tiptoes, sighing as she took in the view. Perhaps she was young enough to still entertain the princess fantasy. She had only been there for two or three days now. It was the first time in a year the king had brought in more than one woman to satisfy is lusts.

“Because we are the disgrace of the land,” I replied bluntly. Sugar coating the truth would do no good. “We are the kings’ whores, whom everyone knows exists, but no-one ever sees, save for those who fetch us and lock us back away.”

Adelle’s shoulders slumped a little, and she lowered her feet back to the ground. She turned toward me, face pale and thin. “The king told me I’m not,” she retorted, though the tone of her voice suggested she was still trying to believe it.

My heart sank a little bit for her. She truly was a child, being used and broken. At least I was old enough to know the difference between truth and lie; to find something true worth clinging to, rather than fantasies.

“How old are you Adelle?” I asked as I walked to our small desk and lit the candle which gave our only light in the room.

“Thirteen.”

I shook my head slowly and walked back over to the window, pulling the curtains across to block the view of the celebration below. The king had never taken a girl younger than sixteen before.

“I wish I could tell you that the king speaks the truth, but that would do you no good. We are the kings slaves; his toys, and we are nothing more to him. He will use us, break us, and toss us out with the trash as he has done to the women before us.”

“He told me he loves me,” Adelle murmured, running a hand through her long, curly auburn hair. She looked back up at me with wide doe eyes, the brown in them appearing black in the candlelight. “Is that not worth something?”

“No, it’s not. The king will say what he wants in order to make you behave, to make you do his will.”

“He has barely laid a hand on me!” she protested.

I shrugged my shoulders and moved in front of the mirror. My skin was paler than it used to be, an almost grayish colour setting in. I had not been outdoors in nearly two years, and my body was beginning to notice.

My weight was certainly dropping as well. I had not noticed it before, but my collar bones were beginning to stick out. I was not too surprised though; here I was treated like a slave. I did not receive the same doting behaviour the king’s mistresses did. After all, I wasn’t a mistress. Not even close.

“Pray then, dear child, that he never does.”

Lost without a sense of direction...

2012-01-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you know where you're going in life, like you know where you're being called, only you're nowhere near hitting that direction?

I feel like that a lot lately. Like the map has been set out, the destination as been marked with a giant ex, and while the path isn't 100% clear, the general sense of the way I need to go is outlined, yet I'm somewhere that doesn't even land on the map, heading in the opposite direction.

I don't do well with patience. Never have, never will. I get to this point, when I've been away from what I love long enough, where I start to feel restless, start to feel like everything is wrong and life just isn't right.

I feel like that right now. And I feel kind of wrong for feeling that way. For the first time in a long time, I'm at a very good job, I make decent wages, and I actually like it (most of the time). But something feels wrong. The longer I stay away from where my passion lies, the more that feeling increases.

I can't say I know if that's the Bipolar or my heart talking. The problem is both can feel so much the same sometimes.

I've mentioned off and on through here and twitter that I want to change the world. The fire to do that is starting to burn on my heart. I know I will be doing it through my writing. The truth is, I want to work in ministry and outreach. I want my words, the things I write to leave an impact on people. To encourage people to love on those who have nothing, to help provide.

I want to make a difference in the lives of people who don't have the means to do it themselves.

I want to make a difference in the lives of young adults, specifically young women who have dedicated their lives to their faith, but have become lost in the church because they are so often overlooked.

I want to inspire people to step out of their comfort zones and intern, be the change in the world.

I want it so bad, but I don't know where to start.

Because of that, I've started somewhere. I've taken a risk. A risk that, should nothing happen, I will lose nothing, so really it is a safe risk (or, some may say not a risk at all). The risk comes in if it pans out. Which, I'm not sure it will. It's a long-shot. Possibly the longest-shot I have ever taken. But no-one ever got anywhere sitting on their rear ends, doing nothing. And since if nothing comes of it, I have nothing to lose, why not?

Worst case scenario? Nothing happens. Best case scenario? I could start being a change in this world.

So as far as I'm concerned, it's the right choice. Because really, we all have to start somewhere right? Even if that somewhere might not turn in any fruits.

Tell me what to write...

2012-01-05T12:18:00.000-05:00

Now that life is a little less insane, it's time to get back into blogging for you all regularly.

There's just one problem...
I can't seem to find things to blog about. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's just that there's too much colliding in my brain right now to be able to write it.

So, I need your help.

What would you like to see me blog about? I will take literally any topic you want to see me ramble about and run with it.

So please...

Tell me what to write.

And finally, my wishes came true...

2012-01-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

I normally hate this time of year. It's filled with reflecting on how my hopes of that past year being better than the one's before were completely crushed by problem after problem and drama after drama.

This time, last year, I was stressed to the max, depressed about work, and though I had an okay relationship with Greene, felt hope slipping away. Like every year, I tried to go into the year positive and upbeat, and, for the most part, I think I did well. In fact, I even posted about it. For the first time in years, I spoke of the fact that I felt like hope was slipping away.

By March, I was depressed again. No matter how hard I tried, there were no bites on my resume.

I remember being told for the last fifteen years by different people I have encountered that Christianity and faith in God is a crutch for the weak-minded and the weak at heart. I've never believed that. This year, it was made even more clear to me how untrue that statement is.

For some, believing in an unseen God may seem a weakness. I don't know about all Christians, but I know for me, leaning on God when life was kicking me while I was down was the hardest thing I ever did. There was no room for weakness, only strength.

It would be easy to look at this year and say it was a shitty one. Right after getting a new job, I was dumped. Two months into said job, I was in a serious car accident that put me off work for three weeks and in recovery for several months. It also put me further into debt. I'd be lying if I said that right now, I wasn't still stressed about that additional debt I'm now facing, or angry about what happened.

But, this year, I did something far different. Despite all of my senses telling me to do otherwise, I put my faith in God and was far more obedient than I ever had been. Going into March, I still had no job prospects and was coming home from my then-job in tears at least once a week. I hadn't tithed in well over a year because I simply could not afford it. A tithe would make the difference between paying my bills and going into the negatives in my bank account.

I had been praying for nearly a year straight for a good, full time job. I had been volunteering at church, all of it, and nothing seemed to be improving.

I finally got a call for a job, and after two interviews was told they had decided to delay hiring the position until the end of the summer. With nothing else left, I decided to make a change. Going against my nature, I put my trust in God, and I started tithing.

One month after I started tithing, I received a job offer, even though they were originally going to wait. After my car accident, even though trusting in God and simply believing seemed like the worst thing to do, I did it. I tithed even without a paycheque to tithe from. When insurance and everything seemed impossible, everything fell into place and I managed to get a car I could afford (that was a million times better than my other one), insurance that wouldn't kill me, and a way to consolidate all my debt to make paying it off manageable.

I stopped looking for the man of my dreams and a few weeks later, he came into my life.

I had something happen that has never happened to me before.

I fell in love. And even more incredible than that, he fell in love with me.

And I truly do believe that all of it came because of my change to trusting God and being obedient. You can believe it to be co-incidence, karma or randomness. But I choose to believe it's because I did everything against my nature and stood on my faith instead of trusting only myself.

So now, I go into 2012 with my head held high. I no longer have only hope of the year being better and different, I have faith that it will be a great year. That it will be a year that puts the greatness of 2011 to shame.

For the first time, I enter a new year with a smile on my face and no worries about what is to come. And, for the first time, I am not making any resolutions. The truth is, I don't need them. Anything I need or want to change will not come from making a list of things that I want to 'resolve'. Instead, I go into the year knowing that the goals I have are the same as the goals I had at the end of 2011, and they don't need a special list to be accomplished. Not this time.

If I had to though, I would only make one resolution. One point to appease the many who follow that tradition. I resolve that going into this new year, I will continue to grow into the young woman I want to become, that I will seek after strengthening my faith daily, falling deeply in love each moment and following my heart and dreams instead of settling. I will live life like it is an adventure, just as I have been these past few months. And to all who would say I am setting myself up to fail, I would say simply this. Failure, my friends, is what allows us to build character and allows us to learn from taking the wrong turn.

I promised I would never do this, but...

2012-01-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry. So very sorry to do this to you all.

But, I have to put on the word verification. For some reason, my blog has become a hotspot for spam comments and in the last week I have received over 50 of them. So, from now on... I'm hoping this word verification will help prevent it.

I know on some of my other blogs the layout affected people's ability to use the word verification, so if you have problems, please send me an email at givemeafightingchance@gmail.com or tweet me @TabithaHeidi to let me know and I'll try to figure something else out.

Thanks in advance for your understanding!

All I Want For Christmas is KROD

2011-12-21T19:06:00.001-05:00

We're back with another edition of KROD, and this month, much to my pleasure we are doing HOLIDAY SONGS! I can't deny that I giggled maniacally like a little girl when the email went out. I have been dying to do this since KROD was first birthed by Nips just over a year ago now.

This month, I once again get to host the fabulous Jes from Jes Getting Started. I've hosted this gorgeous lady so many times she may has well get a permanent guest position on my blog. She didn't provide an intro this month because she saw fit to leave it to me. This girl is amazing, funny, talented and has a set of wicked-awesome pipes and happens to be singing one of my favourite Christmas songs. So check her out and then leave her some loving!

Karaoke Ring of Death - Holidaze from Jes Getting Started on Vimeo.

I'm rocking out to my number 2 favourite Christmas song over on Carolina's blog, Carolina Thinks. It's a hilarious song with a movie made about it that's about as lame as can be and I love love love love love it.

All the lights are coming on now...

2011-12-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. One of my favourite parts of Christmas is all the lights. It's that beautiful and surreal sense that everything is all at once both magical and yet somewhat real. It's like being transported to another place and time.

There is a small park in town that is decorated completely every Christmas with different displays from businesses, churches, schools and whoever else wants to participate. They call it Christmas in the Park, and it's one of my favourite places to go to each year.

A couple weekends ago I took Scott through the park. It was kind of sad because there was no snow, which completely took away from some of the magic, but it was still beautiful. It was exciting getting to share one of my favourite places with him, and I think he enjoyed it too.

It looks like this year really will be a green Christmas, making it officially the first Christmas I can remember where there has not been any snow. That's kind of sad, but at least everything still looks pretty!

Plus, you know... it's the first Christmas that I won't be sulking because I'm the only member of my family without a special someone! So that's a yay!

The plunge...

2011-12-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm not an open book. Never have been. Probably never will. I'm pretty sure there are very few people I have encountered who see through me to the person hidden behind layers of walls and vaults.

Because of such, it's not that big a surprise to know that the person who knows me the most, who has known me the longest still cannot read me.

We had our first ever breakthrough that gave her a glimpse of things beyond the walls last week. A phone call where the walls shattered and the few words I did say had honesty in them from my heart, not just my head. It was strange, it was different and it was hard. It was also liberating.

I find myself struggling going forward though. I'm not a person of many words, at least not when I'm talking about me -- I prefer to talk about other things, and if it's just about what's going on in my life I'm fine... but actually talking about me? Not so good at it.

I want more than anything to move forward with this, to be able to open up and start revealing my heart -- but I'm terrified I'm letting her down, and that I will let her down. That somehow I'm not going to be able to do what needs to be done.

Sometimes I wonder if these walls are up because I'm terrified of the person I'll find underneath; that somehow, by opening up those doors, my entire world will crumble.

The thing is, I'm always giving people the advice that when there is something they think they should do, something they want to do, to buck up and take the plunge. That no matter which way you choose -- taking the plunge, or sitting still -- there will always be consequences. That if taking the plunge ends up having the worst of the consequences at least you won't ever struggle with the 'What If' consequence, because you took the plunge and found out what would happen.

I guess this time around, I need to listen to my own advice. So here goes. The plunge. The big step. Time to stop being so damn afraid.

I'm thinking of posting something highly controversial...

2011-12-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

Something that, if it ends up in the 'right' hands may have an affect on the future of my hoped-for writing career. One that may spark difficulty in certain communities in my life.

The thing is. It's my opinion. And I have to ask myself if this opinion would cost me a career writing for the publications I want to write for, would I really want to write for them?

If this blog were still secret, I wouldn't be so torn. But at the same time, whether or not it's public, this is the place where I am open, I can talk about things.

So do I do it? I don't know...

And the verdict is in....

2011-12-06T17:16:00.001-05:00

He plead guilty so I did not have to testify. Kind of made my day.

Plus, i came home to this beautiful first view of winter:

I do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

2011-12-06T09:00:00.001-05:00

As we speak I'm sitting in the lobby at a courthouse shaking and wishing I could be anywhere else. Heck, I would even be content to be here for jury duty interviews. But instead, I am here as a witness. Which, if you think about it is better than being here as a defendant, but still.

I had always imagined that my first time in court would be as a reporter. Writing a piece on the trial at hand. I guess most things in life don't end up happening the way you imagine they will.

Today I have to stand as a witness against the kid who caused my car accident in June. To make my statement about how he was at fault, and how based on his actions and words, he did not give a crap about it.

I'm certain it won't be nearly as bad as I am fearing it will be, but it doesn't change the fact that my stomach is in knots and I am terrified. What makes my nerves worse is that I don't actually know when this trial will be taking place. I don't know when I will have to stand or when we will be called in.

As I'm writing this though, the officer in charge has just graced me with some good news. At this point, it looks like the kid is going to plead guilty which means I won't have to stand witness.

Life's little blessings, right?

Do you hear what I hear?

2011-11-29T13:08:00.000-05:00

If you were with me and my geekiness last year, you already know how I feel about Christmas. And if you weren't and you don't... well, it's my favourite time of year. For reals.

Which is slightly amusing because I hate the consumerism and the way people go nuts, spending money they don't have and treating everyone else in the malls and stores like they're garbage. If we could get rid of that, the season would be perfect.

But beyond that, this time of year just makes me so happy. It doesn't really matter how depressed I might be, the magic of Christmas is still there for me. It still astounds me that I haven't grown bitter towards the holiday, despite the bad things that have happened on it. In fact, I have every reason to hate it. My earliest memory of Christmastime is my birth mother being rushed away to the hospital by ambulance because she was getting far sicker. Ten years later, I had just lost my grandmother and spent Christmas watching my grandfather die. Three years later, it was on Christmas Eve that I attempted suicide for the first time. Yet strangely, none of that tainted any of my holiday cheer.

Maybe it's the surreal sensation everything causes. The beautiful lights strung on all the houses, making the snowfall look even more perfect; the way the inside of your house is decorated more than for any other time of year. How cheerful the music is. And yes, even though I know the truth about Santa Claus, there is still a part of me that can't help but want to believe in him.

Maybe it's because for that little bit of time, I can forget about reality and focus on doing what I love doing most -- loving on people and finding things to brighten their day. For me, my favourite part of Christmas has always been giving to others and seeing joy when they open what I've given them.

Is it sad that I haven't even made plans to move out yet, and already the thing I'm looking forward to the most is decorating my own place for Christmas?

What can I say. I've always been a strange one.

It hurts, but I'm giving up.

2011-11-21T13:33:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I'm an annual participant in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and get all uber-excited as November approaches. After all, what better way to lead into Christmas-time than to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days amidst a bunch of other writers as crazy as you are?

The problem is that this year, I'm not having any fun. What's worse than that, it's actually stressing me out. This year is just so crazy busy that I don't have the time to write, when I do make the time I'm having to forego other things that need to get done, and my brain is so full of all the other things I have to do that writing even 500 words in one sitting causes me to want to rip my hair out in frustration. I'm so far behind on my word count that even with my Speedy Gonzales typing skills, I'm pretty sure I can't even catch up.

So after much back and forth and contemplation, I have decided to withdraw. It hurts, it hurts a lot, but I feel like I don't have any choice. Even though there is only a week and a half left, my gut is telling me that if I were to force myself to finish, I would likely end up ruining the passion that I have for NaNoWriMo. Thus, I think it best that I take the rest of November to just breathe, and catch up on everything in life that I have not had the time to do due to countless meetings, physiotherapy, boyfriend time (and the constant being on the road to have that time) and everything else.

If it's supposed to be about experiencing God, why does it sound like a bad infomercial?

2011-11-18T13:10:00.000-05:00

As a Christian, I think it’s a great idea to go to Israel, to see where everything took place and learn more about the history of our faith and everything that goes with it.

Lately, they have been playing an advertisement on our Christian radio station for trips to Israel. I’m not against advertising it, not at all. But I find myself rather put off by this specific advertisement. The way the entire advertisement is presented, it sounds like it’s trying to play on Christians who feel like they are uncertain in their faith, or who doubt the presence of God; but more than that, it sounds like a commercial making a money grab by appealing to Christian’s emotional connections to their faith. Something which I have always firmly disagreed with in anything involving Christianity.

I know there is something magical and amazing about standing somewhere that history took place. I’m a history nut, so I know the sense of awe and undescribable feelings that come from going somewhere historical. In fact, I’m one of those really weird nuts, that has to touch the walls, and actually ‘feels’ the history coming to life.

But the way this commercial advertises, it sounds like it’s trying to tell you that only by visiting Israel will you be a stronger Christian in your faith with an increased connection to God.

One of the opening lines, is a man who sounds like he’s on a tv infomercial saying ‘What makes Jesus’ miracles even more miraculous? Experiencing them where they took place.”

Uhm, what now? I’m sorry, but the ONLY thing that could make Jesus’ miracles more miraculous would be by actually watching them take place. I’ll admit, standing where they happened would be pretty amazing. It would definitely be surreal and awesome. But a miracle can’t be more miraculous than it was. It’s not something that becomes ‘more’ in time. In fact, the ONLY thing that could make it more miraculous would be actually witnessing them as they happened. So unless Israel has suddenly figured out the trick to time travel, it’s not going to increase their level of ‘miracle’.

Later, the man tells you that you will ‘sense God’s presence like you’ve never felt it before’. This line I think, is what bugs me the most out of the entire commercial. As I said earlier, I think it’s a great idea to visit Israel, especially because I do believe that by going there, the reality of everything that happened will sink in a little bit more. But its not something that should define one’s faith. The way this line is spoken, it’s like they are suggesting that the only way you can experience God in His fullness is by visiting Israel, and that if you haven’t (or don’t) there is a part of His presence you will never discover.

Now, I get that Israel is the promised land, and that the Israelites are God’s chosen people, but, didn’t Christ die so that we could ALL have that relationship the Israelites have with Him? And even if, as His chosen people, their bond is stronger than the one we have, visiting Israel won’t make our bond stronger. It won’t suddenly make us ‘Israelite by association’ or give us a connection with God that we haven’t had before.

For some, maybe it will… maybe that is the way God intends to really boot up their faith, but that’s not everyone. God has a different path chosen for everyone on how they grow in their faith and how He makes His connection with them.

So now, you have an advertisement playing on that. And see, as a Christian, you are always desiring to get closer to God, to strengthen that connection. What happens to the people who allow their emotions to be pulled by this commercial, go for it, and then find when they leave that this visit did not increase the strength of their relationship with God, that this wasn’t where God intended to flood them with His presence. Chances are, they are going to start questioning and doubting a lot. Questions like ‘Why didn’t God connect with me there, when he does with everyone else?' and all those little things that eat at you will start to rise up.

All because of a commercial that makes promises it can’t fulfill.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one who feels that way about it. I don’t doubt that visiting Israel would be a powerful experience that would certainly contain aspects that would help to strengthen your faith, and even help you find a way to get closer to God. It’s something to connect on. I just don’t think those kinds of promises are what should be used to convince people to go.

Smells like the 90's - KROD, The Anniversary Edition

2011-11-17T08:30:00.000-05:00

If you're one of my newest followers and thus have not been around for KROD, well... you don't know what you've been missing! KROD is the Karoke Ring of Death and was started one year ago by an awesome group of bloggers.

This month, in honour of our One Year Anniversary, we're going back to the beginning with 90s songs. If you want to see me singing Green Day, hope on over to Liz's blog at Landscapes of Me . Awesomely enough, Liz is also a geek, which kind of makes things fit nicely.

I get the incredible honour/pleasure/ joy of hosting Alexandra from The Tsarista Says. She is by far one of the coolest people I have ever encountered (yeah, yeah, I say that about ALL 20sb peeps I'm friends with, but it's TRUE!). This girl is amazing. She's kind of like a celebrity. Which means I'm hosting a celebrity. At least, I think she's a celebrity. But anyways, enough about my thoughts... I'd like you all to meet, The Tsarista!!!

Hello folks, Alexandra of the Tsaritsa sez here. Major props to Tabs for hosting me and being so awesome about it. I hope you enjoy my video for this month's theme of "Songs from the 90s." I chose to do "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana because I love Kurt Cobain (Ben and I dressed as Kurt and Courtney for Halloween this year), and this song pretty much redefined my generation. My dancing is kind of lame and I don't know what I was doing with the chair in that one part, but there's plenty of jumping around as usual. When you're done watching me act a fool, stop on over to my blog and check out Jes singing one of the best songs from my childhood, "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Who didn't love that song? Man I rocked that cassette til it popped.

Je me souviens.

2011-11-11T07:51:00.001-05:00

Photo Copyright Tabitha Venasse 2006

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie,

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

---- Col. John McCrae

Oh, the things you find on an external hard drive...

2011-11-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

So earlier tonight I was digging through my hard drive to find some files from a volunteer job, when I decided to browse through all my college photos. I had forgotten that I had posed as a 'model' for a friend in photography a few times... I wasn't *totally* bad at it... some of the photos were actually pretty decent!

Of course, they're all still pretty pathetic attempts on my part, but I thought I would share some of the better ones with you anyways as I reminisce about college.

... Man. Am I really old enough to reminisce about college? *sigh*

But also... YAY!!! I reached 100 followers :) Thanks to my last several followers, you all have made me feel special!

Photo credit Curtis Peters

Photo Credit Curtis Peters

Photo Credit Amy Medlock

Remember..

2011-11-08T20:07:00.000-05:00

Remember the men and women who gave up all they had and died with nothing, so that we could have everything.

Remember the men and women who fought not because they believed in the war, but because they had no choice.

Remember the men and women, who did what they did for their families and the future of their children, to ensure their freedom of faith and life.

Remember the innocent who paid for the crimes of the greedy and powerful.

Remember the civilians who were bombed by governments who didn’t want to play by the rules of engagement.

Remember the young boys who were coaxed with a romantasized view of the war, only to discover how false that lie was.

Remember, remember, because once we forget, the lives that were lost become meaningless, and those of us moving forward will likely make the same mistakes again.

Remember how millions of people suffered because of fear of standing up against someone so evil that the whole world felt his impact.

Remember, because it is the least we can do to honour those who stood for us.

11/11/11.

I’ll be remembering. How about you?

Remembering those who fought for our freedom is not about a fashion statement.

2011-11-02T10:59:00.000-04:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but Remembrance Day is big deal in my eyes. Whether or not you agree with the wars, or the idea of sending our men and women out to fight, the fact remains that hundreds of thousands of men and women have died over the years to ensure that we keep our freedom, and often in an attempt to secure freedom for those who do not have it.

Every year, I wear my poppy proudly to remember not just those who died for our freedom, but those who died for fighting wars they shouldn't have had to fight. For those whose families were threatened if they did not join the war, who fought less out of agreement and more out of a lack of choice.

Poppies are important because they are a public declaration that you are choosing to honour all of those fallen men and women.

But I can't help but find it offensive when people wear poppies in ways that are clearly more about a fashion statement and less about the reason they should be worn.

Wearing the poppy over your heart is a symbol of keeping those fallen close to your heart. Of the love, sorrow and thankfulness that goes out to those men and women.

But then, you have the people who feel that wearing a poppy over your heart isn't good enough. Because, you know, goodness forbid that it doesn't quite go with the outfit that you're wearing, or you don't like the idea of wearing a brooch-like item. Instead, they wear them like earrings, or weave them together as a necklace or a bracelet.

Or what about the people who try to wear as many poppies as they can, trying to 'out-remember' everyone else?

The point of the poppy isn't to make a fashion statement. It's not meant to make you look stylish. Wearing more poppies does not symbolize remembering more; if anything, it almost makes it into a joke.

And so, dear wearers of the poppies, this year, I am begging you -- do away with the need to impress, and instead wear the poppy for exactly what it symbolizes. Don't cheapen what it stands for by having to make it 'better suit you'.

Sincerely, an aggravated supporter of Remembrance Day.

</end rant>

So what do you think, could I be one of the X-men?

2011-10-31T21:48:00.000-04:00

I know I said I'd never write you again...

2011-10-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

That after that letter I'd never send, I would forget about you and not look back. The problem is, it's not so easy. You see, I've realized something about when our friendship ended. I haven't been able to actually have a friendship since you. Every person I have connected with has faded and fizzled out. Either I've simply tried to mask a friendship that didn't really exist in order to not notice, or I've simply thrown up my walls and not allowed things to progress further.

Now that I'm more aware of this, I notice how often I do it, and I don't know how to break it down. The walls go up and I feel awkward. I feel like getting any closer, truly opening up is no longer possible.

I think that's why I miss you so much. Even though I'm pretty sure half of what I thought was real wasn't, I miss at least believing that I was that close to a person, and feeling like I was. And the truth is, I don't know how to regain that.

There's a part of me that is convinced that until things between you and I are rectified, that I won't be able to truly connect with another person like that again. I don't know how true that is. If it is true, it's safe to say I'm pretty screwed, considering you have rejected every attempt I have made at even smoothing things over.

What gets me the most, is that while I sit here and am reminded constantly of you, and of missing you and the things we did together, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that over the past 3 years, the only times you have ever thought of me were those awkward moments I've run in to you at your place of work in the city. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the only time you've thought of me, and I can only imagine the direction those thoughts entailed.

Don't take this for more than it is though. I'm not obsessing over it; while you may overtake my thoughts now and again, it's not like you are prominent. It hits me most when I'm trying to pursue other friendships. And this letter? This letter is to help me get it out. Because I don't want to think about you. I don't want to have to keep punishing myself over what happened, and keep dragging myself down because of it.

I want to move on. I want to forget about you the way so easily forgot about me.

The question is, how the hell do I do that?

A breath of fresh air.

2011-10-19T17:10:00.000-04:00

The vacation was wonderful. Scott's family's cottage is up north off a river, with a beautiful view. Spent the week playing cards with his grandparents and mom, and having lots of fun and adventures.

There's a little too much to tell, so I put together a slideshow for you all to watch :)

Gobble Gobble

2011-10-10T09:21:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I actually LEAVE on holidays for the first time in 7 years. I'll be heading up north to cottage country with Scott and his family, and I won't be back until next weekend. It's the perfect time of year for it, because all the leaves have changed colours, and the temperature will be pretty nice too!

In the meantime, I hope you all have a fabulous week, and look forward to reading your posts when I get back.

Oh, and one last thing. Today is the Canadian Thanksgiving, so before I go, I'll be stuffing up on turkey, lamb, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie (oh dear, turkey-coma before driving 4 hours... maybe not such a great idea).

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

If we are the body...

2011-10-05T22:10:00.000-04:00

Most of you may recall I mentionned going on a missions trip to Guatemala several months back. It would be easy to say that it's just something on my bucket list, or something I've always wanted to do, and it is both of those things. But more than either of those, it's about the opportunity to do something for those who have less than I do. To share what I have been blessed with.

As Christians we talk a lot about following after Jesus, living like Him and sharing His love with the world. But how often do we get so comfortable in our own communities that we stop really stretching out our hands?

"But if we are the Body

Why aren't His arms reaching

Why aren't His hands healing

Why aren't His words teaching

And if we are the Body

Why aren't His feet going

Why is His love not showing them there is a way"

We throw around ideas and speak of the things we should be doing. We speak of our charity and how we love on others, but do we really? Do we really step out of our comfort zones to give to those who have nothing when we have everything?

For me, that's what this trip is about. It's about putting words, thoughts and theories into action. It's about stepping out of my comfort zone and actively pursuing what it means to have God's heart.

I believe that missions should be focused on close to home, but I also believe they need to be done internationally. To me, it's not even about 'saving' people. If they choose to follow the faith I do, then great. But what it's about is showing them a love the world doesn't always see anymore. It's about taking what I have and for once using it to help those who don't have as much.

It's about being His hand, His feet, His light.

If you want to follow me in my journey, check out my Mission's Trip Blog over at Permanecemos Unidos .

The leaves may not all have turned, but my how those pumpkins have grown!

2011-10-04T21:55:00.000-04:00

There is this really awesome festival in Scott's hometown every year called Pumpkinfest. Since my grandparents used to live up there, we attended many times before. It's basically like your typical fall fair, only they specialize in giant vegetable competitions. (Seriously, these things are huge... Just look at the size of the tomatoes & that pumpkin is over 1200lbs)

But anyways. This post isn't about giant vegetables. It is about a recap of an amazing weekend I had.

Scott and I left for Pumpkinfest around 10am. Because the main part of town closes down, we had to park at the Giant Tiger and take a bus over. It was freezing cold... or at least, freezing for this time of year. It was about 9 degrees out, and frankly, I was not prepared. But, needless to say, I put on my cheerful face, and Scott and I boarded the bus.

There was a cute little Scarecrow in the window, and we made the journey through Port Elgin to the high school. The smell of funnel cakes, deep fried french fries and fresh veggies wafted through the air, and it was a very welcome smell.

We wandered around for a while, checked out all the booths, saw what food there was, and wandered through the crafts sales inside the high school. Met a Christian author, learned how to write on rice, and then went back outside rode a camel, and won a dragon.

I kind of wish that we could have stayed longer, or could have visited the festival again on the Sunday. It was nice, being back in Port Elgin, adventuring through the familiar. Seeing the sights of my childhood and getting to experience it with someone who is part of my present and experienced it too, only through his own life.

It was a much needed weekend away, and I loved every minute of it.

Now it's back to the grind until I head off on holidays next week.

Time for a change...

2011-09-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you guys have picked up on this over the last year and a half or not (holy moly, have I REALLY been blogging regularly for that long?), but I get bored very easily. Every few months I have to change around my room, dye my hair, get a haircut, buy a new wardrobe... and you get the point.

I can't help it. I get this kind of suffocating anxiety when things have been the same for two long. Which is kind of ironic considering my strong disliking of the unknown.

After keeping myself a blonde for the last two years, I decided it was time for a change again. Time to be a brunette for a little while. I might go darker yet, especially since I need it REALLY dark for my Halloween costume this year.

(And of course, I had to have fun with photo booth a bit)

I'm terrified of the road less travelled; I hate that I don't know where it ends.

2011-09-26T20:33:00.000-04:00

There is something a lot of people do not know about me. Despite my randomness, my willingness to plan spontaneous trips and my optimism towards new ventures, I hate not knowing the intricate details of what is going on and where my path will take me.

I've always had to be in control of where I am heading. When I'm not, I get angry, irritated and frustrated. When I wasn't sure if I would get the job at SPC or not, I was frustrated. I didn't know how to trust that it was the path God was laying out for me because it was so uncertain. Over and over again I would say to my mother 'I'd just rather hear that they're not interested than be left hanging and waiting.' By not knowing a definite answer, I had zero control over anything.

When I look at my relationship with Scott, it's the same thing. This whole relationship is new to me. I'm not used to being with someone who cares about me enough to put me first, who is dedicated enough that he cares about how I feel and am being affected. I'm not used to being with someone that I could truly see a future with and who not only feels the same way, but makes it clear time and time again. I stress out. I try to convince myself to get out while I still can before I get hurt and I try to make myself believe that I don't really feel what I thought I felt. All because I don't know where this road ends.

The same can be said of literal roads. When I am driving on a road I've travelled on frequently, I'm comfortable and confident. I know where my path ends and therefore even when it is heavy traffic, I can remain mostly relaxed trusting that I know where I am going.

When I travel on a road I've never been on, take a way I've never taken before, go somewhere I have never gone before, I'm tense before the journey is even underway. Both hands remain on the wheel, my eyes fixated on the road, and I will barely utter a word. I won't divert my case, and I will check all my mirrors far more regularly than needed. I'm anxious and I will probably be fighting off tears of fear for not knowing where that road ends.

Likewise, as soon as I get lost, I'm a total wreck. I'm angry and irritable. I make rash decisions without pausing to think of the effects of them or trying to discern where the right choice may be. The more someone tries to help, the more frustrated I will get because their helping means I am not in control. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how to get where I thought I should end up. I'll cry and cry and cry.

I'm having to slowly learn to let go of that. To take that leap of faith jumping feet first and trusting that I'll land on solid ground. But it's not easy. I'm still terrified. I'm still afraid to trust. But I suppose taking the leap even though you're not sure you trust that you'll land is the first step to trusting anyhow, right?

It's official... I've converted...

2011-09-24T17:37:00.001-04:00

For years I managed to keep away from it. It was one bandwagon that I was continuously proud I had never hopped on. It was something for children, something that I was just too old for the whole way through.

What am I talking about?

Harry Potter.

See, Scott found out I hadn't seen them and decided it was about time I sat down and watched them all. I was skeptical at first. After all, I had my feelings about it, and I really didn't want to join the bandwagon. Not that I had anything against HP fans or anything (half my friends are), but I was positive it wasn't my thing.

Well. I've now seen them all. And? I kind of want to watch them all again... I loved them!

And now? Now I'm waiting to see what Pottermore is all about, because I loved it that much. I may even have to read all the books now, because all my former reservations have now been distinguished.

I guess it's safe to say, I've been converted to a Potterhead.

Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall. You're a much welcomed friend.

2011-09-22T22:26:00.000-04:00

I can't say I'm sad to see the summer go. It had moments of awesomeness and a few memorable things, but for the most part, this summer was something of a struggle for me. It was without a doubt the most draining on me spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally that I've experienced in a long time.

Have you ever sat down cross-legged for so long that you eventually lose complete feeling in your feet, and then stood up only to feel like you had to learn to walk all over again? Like your wobbly legs couldn't possibly hold the weight of your body?

That's how this summer felt to me. Not that it's a total bad thing. Despite the spiritually draining aspects, it really did strengthen my faith through many different ways. Despite the emotional impacts, I met a man who takes my breath away every moment we spend together. Despite the physical drains, I'm on the road to recovery because I had the means to get there. Despite the mental situation, I'm slowly regaining myself.

But when I look back, it's not so much that I hated the summer. Definitely not. There is no bitterness in leaving all of that struggle behind. Rather, there is a refreshed hope that the Fall will have so much more to offer. That the season I love the most will whisk me off my feet and restore the things that the summer took away.

No, I'm not sad to see the summer go. I was never really much of a fan of it to begin with. But I am thrilled for fall to creep in with her beautiful colours, warm and comfy fashions and that smell that accompanies falling leaves and pumpkins.

While this may be the season that much of the outdoors die, this is the season when I come alive.

KROD: The Soundtrack Edition

2011-09-20T09:33:00.000-04:00

Here we are, once again at my favourite time of the month! KROD!!!!!

If you want to see me make a total idiot of myself (for real this time), hop on over to Dave's blog over at The Fiction Factory. Dave is a fellow writer, and, while most of you probably notice this already, also happens to be from my hometown. He was friends with my brother growing up, so it's kind of weird, but a cool weird, that now we're part of the same blogger circle. While you're there, check out some of his fiction pointers and tidbits of his writing. He's not half-bad ;)

This time, I get the honour of hosting the fabulous Daniella from The Chronicles of a College Girl. Daniella is pretty cool, quite witty, and just plain awesome. Her video, like always, is also awesome. So check it out, and don't forget to leave her a comment raving about her awesomeness :D

I'd be lying if I said that day meant nothing to me...

2011-09-13T20:57:00.001-04:00

This post is belated by two days. I'm sure I don't need to explain to any of you what this post is about, or the significance of that date.

I never thought I would have trouble pouring out the swirling thoughts and emotions regarding September 11 and it's ten year anniversary, but I was wrong. I sat down to write this post multiple times, only to delete everything as I frowned at how much my written words seemed to cheapen what it is I was trying to say.

I wasn't there when it happened. I didn't lose a loved one and I was not part of the men and women who risked their lives digging for survivors. I was in no way directly affected by the events of September 11, 2001.

But at the same time, I was. To this day there is a bitterness in my heart towards my initial reactions. You see, I was sixteen years old when it happened, and I was stupid. When a friend came into the hallway to tell us the news, I made jokes. Assuming that he was making it up, I stood there in the hallway 'mocking' these so called attacks, making wise-cracks about what must be really happening. And as my friends and I stood there laughing, our voices were cut short by an announcement I'll never forget.

"Any students wishing to watch the unfolding terrorist attacks on the world trade centre can go to the Yearbook room. It has been confirmed that an airplane has crashed into one of the two towers."

I'm certain my face must have paled several shades, and if I could, I would have taken back every word I had just said. But I couldn't. To this day, I am still ashamed.

I remember watching in horror as the scene replayed over and over, and the aftermath that surrounded it. I remember watching as the second plane crashed into the remaining tower.
I remember wanting to punch one of my friends in the face as she mercilessly mocked an image of a foot and a shoe in the ashen remains, with no body attached to it.
I remember feeling as if the whole world was crashing in on me, feeling like my lungs were being crushed by a devestating below, and falling to my knees in tears.
I remember feeling a pain and a heartache unlike anything I could have ever described. As strange as it may sound, that day, I felt the pain of hundreds of thousands of people whose lives had just changed forever. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I did.
But more than anything else, I remember realizing just how naive I was, and just how real murderous, heartless people were.

On the radio Friday morning, one of the announcers made a comment that everyone who was around to watch and hear about September 11 was changed forever.

I know I was.

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to those who are facing that anniversary right now. I wish there was more I could say, more I could do. But the truth is, no matter the magnitude of words I could muster, the beauty I could add to my writing, it could never do justice to what is on my heart, nor affect and lessen the pain that those touched by this event must be feeling.

To the men and women who risked all to help save the lives of a few, thank you for being the heroes that we only hope we could have the courage to be, should the tables be turned on us one day.

A handful of people on a leaky boat are going to save the world?

2011-09-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

I have a geeky confession to make. Despite how horribly done they were, how terrible the acting was and how flawed the story was, I have am a huge fan of the Mortal Kombat movies. So much so that when news was spread of MK 3 being shut down pre-production, I might just have been a little depressed.

This undying love for these two corny movies likely has something to do with the fact that Mortal Kombat was my favourite video game as a child. I destroyed at Mortal Kombat 1, I pwned at Mortal Kombat 2, and as each game was released, my skills grew greater and greater. And the best part? I never once figured out how to do a special move. That’s right people, I was so damned good at that game that I could beat almost anyone without any special moves.

And so, when the game was brought to life, I could barely contain my excitement. When I saw the movies I was awestruck at how amazing they were. Now, keep in mind, when I first saw these movies, I was pretty young, and had no real concept of acting skills and great movies at that point. So really, just the fact that I was seeing these movies brought to life was more than enough to leave me floored.

Then, they came out with a tv show, and I was hooked. I was so in love with the show that I would promise to do extra chores just so that I would be allowed to watch it, instead of missing the show. And then it ended.
During high school, in my crazy anime-addict nut-job stage, I would blast the soundtrack in my room, practicing my dueling skills with a flashing sword in the pitch black. Yes, I was crazy.

As I got old enough to start purchasing my own movies, I searched high and low for Mortal Kombat for years. Finally, after about ten years of searching (and the progression from VHS to DVD) I found them. I was the only person I knew who loved watching them. I would watch them so regularly that they started glitching not from scratches, but from overuse (really, they were made on cheapy discs, but shhh).

Anyways, this post isn’t REALLY about the first two movies, which I am sad to say went missing shortly after I moved home from Teen Ranch (but Scott bought me them on BluRay last weekend so YAY).

This post, after all that rambling, is to point out how uber excited I am over the new web series called Mortal Kombat: Legacy. I don’t know how I never heard of it before, or how I missed the bus on this one, but somehow I did. I was completely unaware until Booya Bobby told me about it.

Rawr. Sexy old man.

And now, now I’m crossing my fingers that Warner sees all the great fan attention and signs them on for an actual show. Because really, what could be better than an actual, well-done Mortal Kombat tv series?
The only thing I don’t like about it is the actor playing Raiden. It’s not that he’s bad, it’s just that he’s not the first Raiden (who I will readily admit was my very first ever old man crush)

When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over...

2011-09-06T22:24:00.000-04:00

I've been a terrible, terrible blogger this past month. I can't seem to get my groove back... not that I don't want to blog, but I just can't seem to get the time... my schedule has just gone nuts. Weekends are with Scott, Mondays and Wednesdays are spent doing housework and going to bed early, Tuesdays and Thursdays by time I get home from physio I am just done. Work has been crazy busy.

I have so many things I want to blog about, and I just hope I don't forget them all.

I'm slowly catching up on everyone else's blog posts. I've made it about a third of the way through. Hopefully I can catch up soon.

As the winter creeps up I am becoming ever more fearful of the commute in the winter-time. I just hope this winter will be far kinder than the last. Otherwise each day is going to be an anxiety attack.

Are you a fan of Jesus?

2011-08-30T20:19:00.004-04:00

I was listening to the radio the other morning, and the morning show host brought up this new 'campaign' that is being launched by some prominent Christians called 'Not a fan'.

Their idea is that they are followers of Jesus, not fans, because fans, like sports fans, are fickle and fall off the bandwagon. Personally, I disagree. So did a few others, including the dj. I unfortunately couldn't phone in to give my two cents on the show, so I sent an e-mail a little later that morning. I don't feel like re-writing, so I'm just going to post what I sent. It's not very well written because it was my thoughts on the go, but hey, it works.

I'm interested on hearing the rest of you weigh in on this, whether or not you're Christians. For the non-Christians that read my blog, I'd love to hear what it sounds like to you when you hear someone say they're not a fan of Jesus.

"Hi Ben,

I’m sure I’m a little late on this, but I was on the road during the conversation and couldn’t call in. I did really want to weigh in on the discussion though.

To answer the question first, I am undoubtedly, un-equivocally and unabashedly a fan of Jesus. Of course, I am in agreement with you that we are most certainly more than fans of Jesus.

While I understand what it is that they are trying to say with this ‘Not a Fan’ campaign, I think it treads dangerously on the line of alienating further non-believers from Christianity. Looking at the definition of a fan, it seems they are focusing on all but one meaning – the fan of a specific person. Often when one becomes a fan of a person, they are less likely to fall off the bandwagon because the ‘fandom’ comes from agreeing with their ideals, their presentation and their interaction with others. It’s about following their mission.

The problem here, as I see it, is that many non-Christians already view Christians as mindless sheep, incapable of making up their own minds and believing and following in a God that is nothing more than a crutch. Which means indicating that we are not fans, but followers, translates thusly as us following a man because our faith tells us to. Following this person of Jesus, not necessarily because we believe in who He is and what He stood for, but because it’s dictated as necessary for our faith.

By stating we are not fans, we are telling the world that we do not actually agree with what He stands for, that we are not 100% sure of His mission, and that, in respect we are simply following. Following without expressing our own opinion or desires as to why we are following Him. Following, in my mind, is the result of fandom. And while we as Christians may be able to look at and understand what it is that those in this campaign are saying, the simple truth is that the majority of those who are not Christians or believers will not. And yes, we are supposed to avoid conforming to the world’s view, but at the same time, our mission is to bring Christ to the world. If what we are doing is going to give off the wrong impression, give off this idea that we’re not really in 100% agreement on Jesus, then our mission is failing.

Obviously none of us can say for certainty what this campaign will produce. Until it really is put into action, we won’t see the full extent of its success or damage. But I can’t help but remain skeptical that this type of campaign will do more damage than good.

What worries me more than anything is the segregation this could cause between the church – those who adamantly believe that you should not be a fan of Jesus and those that do. That’s the problem with semantics and theology, too many people get so set in the idea that they are the only ones that are correct that it causes division.

*sigh* Anyway, that ended up turning into more rambling than I intended… but I wanted to throw in my two cents’ worth in the hopes that it’s not too late.

God bless!
Tabitha"

A country in mourning...

2011-08-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

This is a little belated, but I wanted to make sure that I knew exactly what I wanted to say before I wrote it.

As some of you may have heard, one of Canada's political leaders, Jack Layton of the NDP (New Democratic Party) passed away on Monday morning.

Normally, Canadians aren't affected that greatly by the death of a politician. This however was different.

No matter what your political views were or whether or not you agreed with Layton's platform, I believe the majority of Canadians would agree that he was one of the greatest leaders to ever grace our government. Through everything he did, the way he carried himself, and the campaigns he ran, it was clear that Jack cared more about Canada than he did about his own personal gain.

When the other parties were taking the lowest of low roads, Layton, for the most part, took the higher road. He treated his opponents with respect and dignity while strengthening his viewpoints to Canadians about what he would do if put in power.

There are many reasons behind why Layton never became our Prime Minister, the largest of which being how often the NDP have screwed up in the past. I'd like to believe that if he had succeeded in winning our votes, Layton would have not only lived up to the expectations he asked to be placed on him, but that he would have exceeded them as well. While I could never bring myself to cast that vote due to the past, I always hoped that they would have become the official opposition, putting Layton in a position to live up to what he has promised without being in a spot where he could royally screw Canadians over.

Whereas our Prime Minister gives off the vibe of slimey and manipulative, Layton always projected honesty and trustworthiness. I like to believe that everything he projected was true.

As I said earlier, no matter what a Canadian's political views or standpoint, you will find it very difficult to locate a Canadian who did not respect and admire Layton. The evidence is clear from how hard his death hit Canadians.

For me personally, it was hard hitting because Layton was my final hope within our politicians. I can only pray and hope that what he stood for, the mission that he started will burn in the hearts of Canadians and change the political spectrum in Canada. Because, let's face it. When it comes to our government, there's a lot of room for improvement.

Farewell, Jack. May your dreams live on forever, and may none of us forget everything you stood for. You will be missed.

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
- Jack Layton, August 2011

SMAC: The we heart Shelly edition

2011-08-20T00:23:00.000-04:00

By this point the cat is out of the bag and everyone (mostly, anyhow) knows that this month's smack is in complete honour of Shelly and her birthday. Because really, we all know if there was a hierarchy on 20sb, Shelly would be on top and we would all be her bitches.

For this special edition I get to host the amazing and incredible Mandy Moore from The Real Mandy Moore. Mandy is the one who should be famous. She's sexy, she's funny, and she is one of the coolest people I have ever had the chance to get to know a bit.

So without further adieu, I give you Mandy!

So, (I hate starting a sentence with so, but I'm doing it anyways because it's Shelly's birthday and I can,) the last time Nugs was here, we got drunk off of 100 proof Smirnoff and decided to watch Now and Then.

Within the first 10 minutes, I was all, "HOLY FUCKING nonexisting CAT TESTICLES, that is Shelly!" And we spent the entire movie playing the Shelly Shot Game. Every time we saw Tom Hanks' wife...oh yeah...Rita Wilson do something Shelly-like, I took a shot. This resulted in me becoming very intoxicated within the first 21 minutes.

"Roberta, don't swear." Shelly scolds me too. It's so not lady-like. Instead we say "Jeepers" and "Oh dear."

"WHAT IS SEX?" Shelly asks me that all the time and she's married, yo. I've tried to guide her the best I can, but she has yet to get it because SHE'S NOT KNOCKED UP YET. And Chicken is pretty much itching for a Nip Clique brother (and/or) sister. I have to explain to her every day that I'm trying here, and I meditate and wish them all for their ova to become sperminated, but I think I'm doing something wrong. I think I should ask a Salem witch at this point. It's not normal to be "the only Mom" in a group of friends.

BLOW JOBS? I think Shelly thinks that is something close to necking. It tickles.

"Birds and the bees?" Avians and insects that is...to her.

I'm pretty sure all of Shelly's furniture is covered in plastic. And that's totally OK. Because she has friends like me. I should probably cover my walls in that shit. Bring a black light into my house. It's probably not pretty. (Oh hai, Marine, hai!)

Anyway, Nugs and I had a helluva good time wishing we could build an island and be smart enough to construct a pink treehouse so that we could take our "clique" and live there permanently for all of time. Tale as old as tiiiiiiiiiiiiime....wait. That isn't my movie, but isn't Chicken cute imitating the Shellator for her birthday?

I am Belle, bitches. And I got it from Shelly.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've been roasted.

As Chicken would say: "Love, Love." And a bunch of other garbage that I don't understand but it's cute nevertheless.

Just like Shelly, yo.

KROD: The Disney Edition

2011-08-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

So, this month's KROD is being posted on our own blogs because it was a crazy busy month.

We did Disney songs, and I decided to sing my favourite one. Apologies ahead of time for my sorry looking self. I was exhausted and performed it last minute.

Meet the parents...

2011-08-11T22:16:00.000-04:00

So this weekend, Scott is meeting the parents. I'm a little nervous as I really want them to like him. Things are going so well between us, and as much as my parents opinion will not determine my relationship, it makes things a whole lot easier when they like the guy.

I don't see why they wouldn't. He's absolutely fantastic. He's pretty much everything I could ever hope for in a guy, and he treats me so well that I spend half my time in shock over it.

It certainly doesn't feel like we've only been dating for two weeks.

Anyways. This is just a short update because it's been a really crazy busy week and a bit, where I have literally had next to no free time. I'm bringing my laptop with me to Kitchener tomorrow night so that I can blog while Scott's at work, so I promise I'll have a real update.

I'm a smitten kitten.

2011-08-07T21:38:00.000-04:00

I've been neglecting you all again and I am so so sorry. I have not forgotten about all of you, and I think about you and how I need to catch up on all your blogs often.

Problem has been that the last week has been absolutely insane. Between work being non-stop crazy, physio, housework and running to and from Kitchener, I have not had much energy to do anything really.

Hopefully though, that will change this week.

For those of you who are not on my Facebook/Twitter and have not spoken to me recently on 20sb, that goal of mine that I achieved wasn't entirely true. In fact, I went far beyond that goal.

Remember Scott, one of the people's I mentioned I met in Kitchener? Well... we're kinda dating now. And I'm possibly completely and wholeheartedly smitten.

He's absolutely incredible. Smart, funny, handsome, a Christian, a geek.... the list goes on and on and on.
Obviously I have Laura and Mike to thank for this. If it weren't for them I never would have met Scott.

I told my parents about him tonight, and they seemed pretty excited, which is a very good thing for me. They're not typically excited about the guys I tell them about.

It kinda sucks because he lives an hour away so we'll only be able to see each other on weekends, but we'll make it work. Anyways. I'll try not to get all mushy and relationship-ish on you all, but I just thought I would let you know why I've been scarce these days.

I promise to get got up soon.

<3

Where do you stand - Part 3

2011-08-03T19:03:00.000-04:00

Next up in the guest series is Tori from Crabbily Ever After. She is yet another witty, funny and intelligent blogger (I swear, there's an overabundance of these people from 20sb). Check out her standpoint on faith, and then when you're done, head on over to her blog! :)

Coming of Age in the Golden Years

I began preparing for my Bat Mitzvah on the day I was born. Everything I did, and everything my parents did, served to prepare me to become an adult in the Jewish community. I attended a Jewish pre-school, attended Sunday and Hebrew School, and took private lessons in scripture with my congregation's cantor.

My most vivid memories of my Bat Mitzvah involve me being completely terrified of going through with the ceremony. I remember being at the Bat Mitzvah of a friend two months prior to mine, and seeing a mutual friend of ours a few rows back wearing her tallit. I remember thinking, "How did she survive? How did she do it?" Preparation for my Bat Mitzvah was so much work, I literally believed it was the end of the world.

I can't imagine what it would be like to pursue a Bat Mitzvah at this point in my life. At twenty-four, I feel like I am so settled into my adulthood and my place in the Jewish community that I shouldn't need to put it on display. But maybe that's only because I already had - and took - the opportunity to do just that.

Many Jewish women - especially those who are of the Baby Boomer generation or older - didn't have the opportunity to have a Bat Mitzvah as they entered their teenage years. Bat Mitzvot are a relatively recent phenomenon; until a few decades ago, the coming-of-age ceremony tended to be reserved for boys. So I was surprised and pleased when I learned that there is a group of ninety-something women in Ohio who are currently planning and studying for the Bat Mitzvot they were never able to have.

My mom had an adult Bat Mitzvah for her fiftieth birthday. I was in high school at the time, and remember the admiration I felt for her for finally going through with it. She, like the women in Ohio, hadn't had the opportunity to become a Bat Mitzvah, partially because of her sex and partially because of her secular upbringing. Having been an active member of the synagogue for fifteen years, she was already an adult in the eyes of her community, and frequently participated in services (even though in many cases, she technically shouldn't have). For her, a Bat Mitzvah was not about coming of age - it was about confirming her faith and legitimizing her place in the culture, as well as opening doors for her to participate in religious rituals that are generally not open to those who are considered "children" in the eyes of God.

I respect the decisions of my mom, the women in Ohio, and other women who have opted to pursue a Bat Mitzvah late in life. Having gone through it myself and being familiar with the amount of work involved, I know that it is no light undertaking. Those who pursue Bat Mitzvot - especially as adults - must be as committed to Judaism as they are to the goal of constant self-improvement, and those who pursue the Bat Mitzvot they were never able to have simply because of their sex shows an even greater commitment to gender equality within our religion.

Summer goal has been achieved!

2011-08-01T23:42:00.000-04:00

I apologize for having neglected all your blogs over this long weekend, but it really has been a crazy, busy wild ride.

Ya'll remember that goal I made of getting a date before the end of the summer?

Well... thanks to that friend I went and saw in KW on Friday night, and his fiancee... I got even better.

Goal accomplished.

Achievement unlocked.

I'm kind of a little giddy right now.

Leaps and bounds baby, leaps and bounds.

2011-07-30T20:49:00.000-04:00

I did something I've never done before last night. Actually, I did two things.

The first was to travel with the sole purpose of meeting people whom I had met online, but never met in person. Just over a month ago now, I had the pleasure of connecting with a fellow Star Wars Geek/Christian over twitter. From there, I met his fiancee on twitter as well, and we spent the past month tweeting, texting and Facebooking. The two of them (Michael and Laura) were awesome. It didn't take long for us to realize they we only lived an hour away from each other.

We started talking about how I needed to come up and visit so that we could hang out. Then yesterday, during a massive tweetfest between us and another one of their friends (Alex), it was decided randomly in about half an hour that after work, I would go see them for the night. Which is where the second thing I don't do came into play. I'm spontaneous enough, but not to the point where I would plan a solo road trip on the spot and go for it.

I was a little nervous at first, due to the fact that Michael was going to be working until 1am, and Laura until 11pm, so upon arrival I would be meeting up with one of Mike's roommates, Scott, who I had only met a couple hours earlier on Facebook. Alex would be coming to join us later, so that also would be interesting.

Meeting Scott was less terrifying than I thought. We met at the mall, and then drove back to the guy's apartment where I met the third roommate, RJ, and RJ's girlfriend, Rachel.

Surprisingly, for the first time in my life, I experienced no social anxiety. This is incredibly astounding for me considering I can't even meet up with old high school or college friends without having an anxiety attack that makes me want to run screaming.

By the time we went back to Laura's dorm at 5am I realized I had not experienced a single moment of anxiety the entire night. These people were possibly the coolest group of people I have ever met. They were genuine, they were fun, and they seemed to actually enjoy my company. I had more fun than I can recall having had in years.

I definitely think these people could potentially become my new circle of friends.

And I'm kind of, maybe, sort of, really excited about that.

<3

Where do you stand Part 2...

2011-07-27T20:14:00.000-04:00

The next guest blogger is the lovely Little Missy Me. Missy is from Aussie-land, and is one of the many ladies I enjoy talking to on 20sb. She's funny, witty and a beautiful writer.

Check out her blog after you're done reading the post! And don't forget to leave her some loving.

I became a Christian when I was 18.

But my God story started a long time before that though.

My mum sent me and my sister to a catholic school, being as that's how she was brought up. When I was six and my parents were going through a divorce, I remember being taken out of class to attend special classes with some other kids going through divorces, and we were taught that God loves us and it doesn't matter if our parents are fighting or we are being bullied, that He will always be there for us.

So for me, I’ve always had this image that there was this God who loved me and listened to me.A lot of crazy things have gone on in my life, the moving overseas, moving back home, moving interstate, the general feeling of not having a home, the hurt, the misery, the joy and celebrations, the one night stands, the missed periods and pregnancy scares, the hangovers, the depression, the many, many guys, the money issues, the new job... I'm pretty honest and open about my life.

But despite all the stuff that’s gone on, I still realise that there is a God who still loves me, and is there to listen, not to judge. No-one can be perfect, no-one can live up to expectations, especially those nasty judgmental ones that come from insecure people, and I know that my God's grace, mercy, forgiveness and care extends beyond my wildest dreams.

I know that sure, there are going to be a lot of people out there who will point their fingers and say that I'm a bad example of a Christian. Fair enough. I wouldn't recommend sleeping with people outside of a loving relationship, or moving overseas whilst fighting depression, or hiding your life away from the people who care about you the most. But besides Jesus, who is perfect?

I thought that explaining to you today about how being a Christian might help you realise that life isn't that bad, and that there is a God out there who does love you and forgives you, died for you and wants you to be in His life. I find that knowing that, nothing is ever as bad as it seems. It doesn’t mean that life is going to be easy, that I get a free ride or experience less pain; sometimes I think it’s worse. Not many people in my life outside of my family believe in God, and so to life with people and not seem like a freak is something that I attempt every day, especially in my career field of microbiology. But it works, and I believe and life my life accordingly.

I'm a hoodie ninja, a hoodie ninja... (well not really).

2011-07-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

Giant white clouds danced across the clear blue sky making it possible to believe for a moment that all the cars zooming on the highway were not shooting pollution into our planet's atmosphere. Not that I was separate from that, as I drove along in my little sports car.

My background music was epic. Transformers: The Score blasted out my speakers. In that moment, my drive was epic. I was on a mission, some grandeur adventure that would be filled with lots of violence, getting dirty and saving the world. And of course, somewhere along the line I would meet and fall in love with a smoking hot guy who would save the world with me.

The fight was already rising up in my heart. I was ready, ready for whatever was about to be thrown at me. I could take on Megatron if I had to. Maybe even Davy Jones (although, I would have needed an ocean for that).

In my heart, I knew that this was who I was meant to be; someone whose life was an adventure, who had the mind of a warrior, the soul of a dreamer and the heart of a lover. Any moment, I would have my break. My Mr. Miyagi would step into my life and show me the path to enlightenment and heroism.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and jumped into the realms of destiny. Feet first, fists clenched and fire in my heart. Goodbye normalcy, I thought as I closed my eyes and waited for what fate lay below.

Apparently, I'm having fangirl moments more and more these days...

2011-07-26T08:39:00.000-04:00

Because Mayim Bialik (aka Amy Farrah Fowler) just responded to my comment on her Facebook page.

Uhm, can I start screaming and jumping up and down yet? :)

Where do you stand? Part 1

2011-07-25T21:08:00.000-04:00

Well, I've finally gathered enough posts to kick off my guest posting series!

As I mentioned back when I first asked for guest posts, I wanted to do a series on people's faith and beliefs, what led them to those beliefs and how it affects their lives.

Kicking off the series is the lovely Suzi from Semi-Sweet Shiksa .

I was raised in an interfaith household; my father is Jewish and my mother is a devout Lutheran. Growing up, my parents felt it was important to expose my sister and I to both sides of our religious heritage and allow us to choose our own beliefs when we were older. We celebrated all the Christian holidays, and most of the Jewish ones (except Passover, which none of us had the attention span for).

As I got older, I noticed that while my immediate family saw our being raised in both faiths as a positive thing, it was a bit of a sore spot with the older members of our extended family. Once I asked the wrong grandmother to play “Jesus Loves Me” on the piano. The other grandmother served us a honey-baked ham on a year when Easter coincided with Passover. Minor episodes of awkwardness like this were usually laughed off, but sometimes my sister and I were left feeling like outsiders in our own family. The worst was when my father’s family forbade my cousin from marrying a girl he’d been with for years because she wasn’t Jewish. (Never mind his mother is married to a practicing Catholic.) I was only twelve, but I remember wondering if she felt that strongly against having children with someone of another religious background, how did she really feel about me?

I absolutely feel that my parents made the right decision, though I wish I had had been exposed more to Judaism as a child. (It's still kinda awkward sitting through Bar Mitzvah's and having zero idea what's going on, or having to explain to friends that even though I have a Jewish last name I celebrate
Christmas.) I believe my religious upbringing has helped me to become a more accepting individual, though it upsets me when people won't marry outside of their faith because "what will the children be?" I was taught that the bottom line of all religions is to simply be a good person, so the particularly denomination seems irrelevant. Faith, to me goes beyond organized religion; it’s about trust in something outside of oneself.

Magical shows and engagement parties...

2011-07-23T15:34:00.000-04:00

My sister's engagement party went well, as I said before. And, I managed to catch the CUTEST picture of the two babies that were there.

The backyard looked fantastic, thanks to all the hard work from everyone but me, since my arm was still not exactly useable at that point.

Also, I actually wore a dress, which I don't do.. and is part of the reason I got burnt. I couldn't get a shot of the whole dress, but here's some of it:

I got a couple of awesome shots at Wonderland Saturday night too. Haven't uploaded the video because it's hard to see, but enjoy.

Hopefully I'll start the guest series tomorrow since I've gotten a few in now :)

HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!

It's too hot out to write an actual post...

2011-07-21T22:29:00.000-04:00

Yeah.. it hit 49C with the humidex today, which is a whopping 120F for my American friends. It was a scorcher. So now, I'm going to crash from heat exhaustion.

Suddenly there are no longer enough hours in the day.

2011-07-18T23:15:00.000-04:00

I swear, Friday hit and it was like 24 hours was no longer enough. I've barely slept since Thursday night, trying to cram everything in that I need to do on top of wanting some social time. I haven't had me-time in the last four days.

Not that I'm complaining. The thing is though, it's not going to slow down. So I'm really hoping these guest posts start pouring in, because I'm not going to have much time to update.

Some really exciting news though -- work has asked me to do the press releases for our upcoming test launch in the states! It's going to be a lot of work on top of what I have with my regular stuff for my position, but I couldn't be happier. It makes me feel amazing that they are utilizing my actual skill set for something.

On top of that I have a bunch of stuff I have to do for our upcoming fundraiser for the Guatemala Trip, a big sign for our new Church Garden (that has to go up soon because the community service board, or something like that has to have their symbol on it for some reason or another), I have my aunt's novel to edit, bloggity time and friend time. Plus physio and somewhere in there I need to work in my Spanish lessons.

Lots to do, and just not enough hours in the day.

Oh, I also burned to a crisp at Wonderland yesterday. But I took a really cool video of their new 'night spectacular' which was indeed quite spectacular. It was all this 3d imagery on Wonder Mountain that actually made it look as though things were happening on the mountain. I hope the video turned out, because I totally want to post it for you all.

Otherwise, don't fret my loves! I won't disappear for good, I'm just going to continue to be scarce for a little bit.

<3

Don't say goodbye, say... hold on?

2011-07-14T22:02:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be scarce the next few days. Saturday is the engagement party for my sister and her fiancee, and so I have no idea how much I'll be around. Sunday, I'm going to Wonderland with a friend and will probably have to go to bed as soon as I get back.

Thus, limited Tabs for all of you.

While I'm gone, I am starting a guest posting series. It is on faith, or the lack-thereof, and how it has impacted your life/why you believe what you believe and all the fun stuff. If you're interested in posting for me, send me an e-mail at givemeafightingchance@gmail.com.

Otherwise, enjoy some of the pics I took for my sister and her fiancee's engagement photos. :)

**All the above photos are Copyrighted to me and are not available for use under the Creative Commons License. Photos may not be reproduced or edited. For permission to use the above images, please submit an inquiry to me via this blog.

Blue skies admidst the clouds...

2011-07-13T21:16:00.000-04:00

The first day back at work wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. It's nice, having a job that I love so much that when I go back after something like this, I'm actually happy to be back at work.

I was still pretty stressed out this morning, but reading all your loving comments on my last post helped a lot. So thank you for that everyone.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack on the road, but then this awesome song came on my iPod that I've kind of been in love with since I heard it. Remember those concert tickets I won at a Christian concert a while back? Well, it's by that band, and it is just such a pick me up song.

It was such like that was the last push I needed just to be able to relax and feel that God is right here with me despite all of this crap.

And of course, the best thing that happened today, I GOT MY CAR! I was so worried it wasn't going to work out. There were issues with the financing due to my credit, and things just seemed like they weren't coming together. And then suddenly it all worked out.

Dad and I went to the dealership tonight, signed all the papers, and PRESTO! I have a car. Plus, they gave me a full tank of gas, a free oil change, and a bottle of 1812 Merlot from one of the vineyards in Niagara Falls. So if anyone wants to party this weekend ;) :)

My new car is a 2007 Toyota Matrix. It's not fully loaded, but it's close enough. The only thing it's actually lacking is an Auxillary input. Power windows, sunroof, power locks, nice sound system, an AMAZING trunk, and the back seats fold down to make it even bigger.

But, instead of just telling you about it, I'm going to show it to you. There's only one problem... I don't know what to name my car. Molly was the old one, and she was a beaut. But I think this car is a guy. I just can't get a name. So, I'm looking for suggestions.

Rip me off or cover me.

2011-07-13T20:36:00.001-04:00

Yeah yeah yeah, ya'll know what time it is! KROOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD! This month we are doing Cover Songs and Rip Offs.

This month is very special for me. You see, I get to host the beautiful, talented and AWESOME Nicole Sweeney from Sweeney Says. Nicole is totally cool, totally adorable, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely envious of her. You really have to go over to her blog, because she gets to host our founder, and queen of the KROD nation, Sara.

If you want to see me rocking out, head over to One Red Wall. While you're there, check out Kanriah's past blog posts too, because if you're anything like me, you're going to fall madly in love with her.

But enough about me. Watch Nicole's video, bask in her awesomeness, and then be sure to leave comments so she knows just how awesome she is (because she seems to think that I'm somehow suffering by hosting her... but really, I'm just kind of jumping around at how lucky I am to be graced by her KROD presence on my blog).

So without any further adieu, NICOLE SWEEEEEENNNNNEEEEEEYYYYY!

Back to the grind... back to reality

2011-07-12T22:20:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow will be my first day back at work. I don't feel like I'm ready for it. Despite the fact that I have been off for the last two works, I feel drained. Even more drained than when this whole thing started. Stress has been the reason. I've yet to have a day where I haven't been stressed about something and trying to figure everything out.

I hate that. I hate having to figure everything out under a strict deadline when options are limited and those options aren't exactly wonderful.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm thankful that things have all been working out. That despite how desperate the situation may seem, God seems to be bringing things together for me. But that doesn't make it any easier when sitting in the middle of the storm watching all the hurricane's swirling around me.

My goal was to have half my debt paid off by the end of this year. Now, I'll be fortunate if I can get an eighth of it paid off by the end of this year. And that's pushing it.

I know I need to go back to work. Physically, I'm ready.

Emotionally, not so much. I'm so overwhelmed. In a matter of seconds, my entire life was flipped upside down. Everything I had worked towards was gone. It's so hard not to sit here and get angry at the kid who caused this. That he took my life that was finally coming together, he took the debt that was finally being paid off, and screwed every inch of it into the ground because of one stupid, stupid judgement call. And while he walked away with nothing, I'm walking away with injuries, two weeks lost wages, hiked insurance rates, and car payments I never had to make before, along with my debt not feasibly being paid off.

And I'm trying so hard to trust in God. To trust that He has this all under control. To trust that He will not let me flounder and fail. But all I can see in the eye of the storm is all the things crashing down around me. All the damage and the aftermath.

My parents told me a few days ago they're going to pay half of Guatemala for me. I've been so stressed I burst out crying when they told me. That little bit takes some of the pressure off. I'm so thankful for such amazing parents.

But the problem is, the pressure is still on, and it's still intense.

And right now, I kind of feel like I'm running into a brick wall.

I know things will work out. But knowing and feeling it are two very different things, and it's the feeling that's killing me right now.

As if you guys needed more proof that I am the coolest...

2011-07-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

The official, verified Star Wars and Lucasfilm Twitter account officially acknowledged my existence yesterday by retweeting one of my tweets.

I'm kind of in fangirl heaven right now.

And hey, who knows, now that they know I exist, maybe that's just one step closer to becoming an official Star Wars novelist.

Either way. I am officially the coolest Star Wars nerd ever.

Oh, and that one re-tweet by them? Got me over 30 followers overnight. Apparently, being retweeted by @starwars makes people think I'm cool.

Might I ask what's so special about this bench?

2011-07-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

I made a purchase yesterday of something that I have been lusting after for a while now. I have always been fascinated by the mystical and magical, especially surrounding Merlin and his story. So of course, after seeing Sorcerer's Apprentice, I developed a movie crush.

It's definitely not a mind-blowing movie. It's not the best movie out there, not the funniest, and not the most brilliant. But, it's awesome in it's own way. And by far, one of the better Nic Cage movies. He always does best in movies where he is quirky.

Of course, even if the movie sucked, I would probably watch it because Jay Baruchel is in it and I ~~want to have his babies~~ ~~am madly in love with him~~ ~~think he's sexy~~ enjoy his acting skills.

It's kind of sad, but I've watched it three times in the last 24 hours. I just can't get sick of it.

How to find a date in 60 days...

2011-07-07T21:20:00.000-04:00

I have no idea.

You see, I made a goal this summer. The goal is I want to go on one date. Just one.

And I have no friggin clue how to go about getting one. You see, I don't really know how to flirt. I don't know how to talk to guys I've never met before. And lets face it, I won't be going on a date with any of the guys I know from around here.

I've decided I'm not going the dating site route. It's just not worth it, especially not with the guys from around here that I've discovered on them. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm opposed to meeting initially online. Just not the dating sites.

But once again, we get back to the point that I have NO CLUE how dating works. I've never really done it. Greene was the first guy I ever actually went on a date with, and let's face it, I still have no clue how I won him over.

So basically, I'm going into this blind, and hoping that by some fluke I figure out how this all works.

Because hey, I'm a pretty great catch, right? I'm kind of done sitting on the sidelines of my life. So more things I know nothing about? Bring. It. On.

No matter how many times I watch it...

2011-07-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

This battle will always be the most epic battle in my world.

In 5 years...

2011-07-07T00:03:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'll be in Canada. Maybe it will take a bit longer than five years, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in the states.

I can't really say why. It's just this feeling I've had since I was a kid. That as much as Canada is home to me, the states is where I am going to end up. It's like that feeling of knowing you're going to be a writer, or go on to college, or get a job. Almost a feeling of inevitability. But not in the bad sense.

I'd be lying if I said that's not what I want. Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of going to the states. I wanted to go to UCLA, but realized partway through high school that could never happen. The feeling never left however that I would get there one day.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry an American. Again, it's just one of those things I feel like I know.

I could be wrong about all of this.

But I kinda like to hope I'm not. Because hey, if I lived in America, it would be so much easier to visit all my kick-ass blogger friends.

Acupuncture this!

2011-07-05T22:19:00.000-04:00

So, the verdict is in. The doctor has asked that I take at least another week off work, to be re-assessed next Tuesday morning. I have to go for a cat-scan just to make extra sure that the dizziness/headaches are not the result of internal bleeding or minor brain damage.

A whole week off because of minor injuries. Although, with the dizziness I've been getting from driving, I can understand that. But it's still kind of frustrating. That's another whole week without pay. Another week that I'll potentially be going into debt over this stupid accident.

But I'm trying really hard to get it in my head that things will work out. That God will provide and meet my needs. That the money will come from somewhere to make sure I can pay the things I have to. I'm trying really hard to trust right now.

I still haven't gotten an offer from the insurance. I'm really praying and hoping that I'll hear by tomorrow.

Tonight I had my second physio appointment. It wasn't as painful as the last time. Tonight it was just the ultra-sound and acupuncture. I'd never had acupuncture before so I was a bit skeptical at first. It actually wasn't that bad. I had three in my face, one on my head, two on my neck, and four on each shoulder.

As you can see on my shoulder, the scrape is pretty much gone. I don't know if you can see, but right down at the corner of the gown and my shirt strap, there's a honkin yellow bruise. That bruise stretches all the way down.

My other bruises are healing nicely. They kind of look like I tye-died myself.

Also, I'm sure you can tell by the bags under my eyes and the pale colour that I look kind of pathetic. That seems to be a 27/7 look at the moment. My mother assures me it's because my body is working overtime to heal itself.

You know you have a problem when...

2011-07-05T12:17:00.000-04:00

You have way too much fun making photo-booth comic book shots of yourself:

I'm like Wolverine... right?

2011-07-04T10:43:00.000-04:00

At least, that's what I like to think. I like to believe I have these super healing powers, that whenever I get injured I'll be good to go in a couple of days. Believe it or not, there is something to be said for having those kinds of positive thoughts. Certain past injuries did heal a lot quicker because I convinced myself they would.

Maybe these injuries are even healing quicker than normal, but for me, it's just not quick enough. I feel like I should be functionning normally again now.

I even had myself convinced that the first day back at work would be easy. It's proving, however, to be quite the opposite.

Between driving, and having to use my left arm to type on the raised keyboard, my arm is killing me. It's sore enough that I actually want to cry.

I've been dizzy since driving this morning. I was getting dizzy enough in the car that even when I was at a complete stop, the road looked like it was still moving. Now I just feel like I could fall over at any minute. And the exhaustion... oh man. It's not even that I'm tired. It's just that I have no energy. My body feels like a dead-weight.

I suppose the lesson here is that I'm really not Wolverine, and I have to stop expecting that my body will heal quickly just because I want it to.

But man, what I wouldn't give for superhuman healing powers right now. And maybe some adamanteum claws... just for the fun of it.

I believe...

2011-07-02T23:19:00.000-04:00

Some people would look at what I've been through this week and see coincidence or luck. I don't believe in luck and while I do believe in coincidences, for me, there's too much to be that many consecutively.

For me, this week has just been further proof of God and His existence in my life. I don't expect you all to see it the same way. I respect that. Always have, always will. But when I look at everything that's happened, I can't help but give praise to God and thank Him for everything.

This is the third accident I've been in where something worse should have happened to me. Where it was stated by police officers and EMS that it was a miracle I walked away from the last two as well as I did. I can't chalk that up to coincidence.

I believe that God could have protected me from the entire accident. But like everything in life, I believe there was a purpose why He didn't. Maybe it was to remind me how great a God He really is. Or maybe, it was to help me see again how much trusting in Him can do.

Where I could have had brain damage, cracked ribs, a broken hip, and broken chest bones, I have only bruising and a slight concussion.

The insurance issues, which I was warned would probably be long and drawn out have all been resolved quickly, and with the insurance company not only being on my side, but fighting to ensure that I get everything I can out of it.

Where they could have found way to rule that I was partially at fault, and given me nothing, they decided that I was innocent before they even started the investigation.

If we get back what we're hoping I'll get back, there's already a car lined up that I could afford. A way to have a vehicle that is not only what I need, but twenty-times better.

But beyond that, knowing that God has had his hand in all this, I've been at peace. Calm and thankful, every day being cheerful, knowing that everything will be okay. I can't really explain it.

Maybe to some, faith is a foolish thing. But for me, it's the reason to keep being positive every day.

Thank you for all your positive thoughts, encouragements and prayers through this everyone.

And thank you, Lord, for having your hand upon me and your angels watching over me.

I'm a Jedi.... no, really.

2011-07-02T14:34:00.000-04:00

See?

I completely forgot about this picture until today.

I've FINALLY DONE IT!!!

2011-07-01T19:00:00.000-04:00

As of this evening, I have officially obtained my goal number of followers.

Apparently, there is a whopping 75 of you who think that I have something worth reading. So thank you to all of you!!

I want to do something for each and every one of you who read my blog (even if you're not an official follower).

So tell me, what would you like me to do for you?

:)

On the road to recovery...

2011-07-01T00:05:00.000-04:00

I'm approaching the 72 hour mark (okay, still about 7 hours off) and things are looking pretty decent. I haven't experienced any excruciating pain like they thought I might. There's been a lot more bruising show up, and it turns out my left arm is kind of messed up. I can't really lift anything, and it hurts to move it, especially to lift it over my head. The bruise on my hip now extends around to the back, and my stomach has swollen out and how has a hefty purple bruise that matches the hip.

I had a physio-therapy appointment today. Turns out my insurance covers up to $3500 in medical stuffs, so that's going to help. They figure I'll be on a 12 week, 24 visit recovery program for the issues with my arm and the pain in my neck from the whiplash.

My insurance company has been fantastic through all this. They ruled in less than 24 hours that I was not at fault, and so everything is being paid for. They're covering a rental for me, and I get the rental up until five days after they provide me with their first offer for money for my car. So I do need to do a bit of research there.

Dad took me to the Toyota dealership today to see if there was anything I could afford to finance, and depending on how much I get back from the insurance, it looks like we've found one. I'll of course give more details once everything is finalized, but if things turn out as we're hoping, this accident might be a bit of a blessing in disguise.

And of course, since my sister is gone this weekend, I get the best companion to cuddle with and night to help me forget my pains and nightmares... and that is my sister's little dog Piper, whom I love with all my heart, because she's adorable.

~~Tomorrow~~ Today (since it's after midnight as I write this) is Canada Day, and though I'll probably be doing it alone, I intend to partake in our lovely small-town festivities for it. While I may not be proud to be a Canadian as I don't really know what being one means, I am more than thankful to be a Canadian. And for that reason, I do believe celebrating this great country's birth is a very good way to show that thankfulness.

Happy Birthday Canada! Thank you for another year of beautiful scenery, free health care, and a legal system that has done it's job many times over.

If only there was a way to keep idiots out of vehicles.

2011-06-29T21:14:00.000-04:00

(Yes, texting and driving DOES make you an idiot driver)

As you have all likely read already, I was in a pretty nasty accident yesterday morning.

Unfortunately, I was not the only one to face that, in a far more unfortunate incident than mine.

Yesterday, just north of where I was heading to, a police officer was killed in a hit and run. He pulled over a speeding van, which ended up being driven by a 15 yr old without his license. When the police officer ran the plates, it turned out the van was stolen.

As he was questioning the kid, the kid panicked and tried to drive away. The officer ran with the van, and reached in to try and turn it off. The kid lost control, and the officer was dragged under the van as it went off the road and rolled all the way over, trapping him underneath.

What makes the story more heartbreaking was that as the officer lay trapped under this van dying, he was radioing for help not for himself, but for the four teens inside the van. Continuously he repeated that they needed to get to the scene to help the teenagers.

Const. Garrett Styles died that same morning. He was a father of two sons, one just born three months earlier. This Sunday would have been his 33rd birthday.

Thanks to an idiot, he won't see that day. He won't see his sons grow up, graduate and marry. He won't live a beautiful life with his wife or be there to hold his first grandchild.

All because of someone who thought he was cool by being an idiot.

My life was almost taken yesterday because of an idiot. One who then thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Every day I watch idiots run red lights because they're too impatient to wait. Whip out around cars because they can't wait the extra ten feet for the exit ramp.

Just two weeks ago, at the same intersection my accident happened at, another idiot made that same left hand turn without checking properly and caused an accident which ended in a fatality.

If only there was a way to prevent these kinds of idiots from getting behind the wheel. Some sort of brain scan that would prove that these people are idiots. Idiots who never think twice about the lives they impact because of their selfishness.

My thoughts, prayers and love go out to Const. Garrett Styles friends and family right now. I can only imagine the heartache that they are going through.

And just like that, I'm back to square one.

2011-06-28T13:59:00.003-04:00

Today started off like any other day.

I got up, got ready for work, hopped in my car, grabbed a bit to eat and got on the highway. Despite a setback to do with a friend this morning, I was happy.

And then the whole day changed. A car made a left hand turn onto the highway, in front of the truck that was in front of me. The truck swerved to miss him, clipped the front corner of his car, leaving me with nowhere to go but right into the car. Thankfully I dropped my speed to about 60km an hour by breaking, so the impact was far less than what it could have been.

But the idiot who made the left turn? Not only was laughing and basically bragging about the accident to his friend on the phone, he also had the nerve to say to me "Oh man, you should have seen the look on your face right before you hit me! It was hilarious!"

I could have punched him out. But at the time, I was kind of in hysterics and trying to make sure I didn't have any serious damage. I have a minor concussion (and huge goose-egg on my head), a huge and swollen bruise on my hip, a large scrape on my chest and a small scrape on my head.

I spent an hour and a half in the hospital and had a crapload of x-rays done to make sure nothing was cracked, an ultra-sound, and was supposed to have a cat-scan to make sure there was no brain damage, but the doc agreed that I could go home and we would bring me back if I showed any signs of having problems.

The car is completely written off. I've already filed the claims report and am waiting on the insurance to deem me not at fault (the idiot left-hand turn driver has been charged in the accident).

I've posted the pictures below of my injuries and the car...

All I can say right now is that God definitely has to have been watching over me, because I just walked away from something that could have been way worse. And because I wasn't at fault, if the adjustor agrees, I'll be getting some money back at least.

(the minor cut on my forehead)

(the lovely seat-buckle cut/burn)

(and of course, the hip... it sticks out about 3 1/2 inches)

So yeah... that's the damage. Kind of stiff and sore right now. Work told me to take the rest of the week off and get better. I guarantee by tomorrow, despite the pain I'll be going out of my mind with boredom and feeling useless.

And thus, I am back to square one. Carless, massive debt and having to figure out how to get to and from work.

But, I'm alive. And if nothing else, I have that to be thankful for.

I will not settle.

2011-06-26T19:22:00.001-04:00

And when I finished searching my soul
I came to realize I'm done settling.
Greene was great. He was. He taught me a lot about myself.
But he wasn't for me.
I deserve someone who puts me first.
Who gets excited to see me and wants to be involved in my life.
Someone who is willing to come to family dinners because he knows it means the world to me.
Who isn't ashamed to introduce me to his friends.

I deserve someone who I mean as much to as they mean to me.

And I'm not going to settle. If it means not meeting him for years. That's fine.

Because I deserve someone who's perfect for me. And hopefully, I can be perfect for him.

And you know what's the best? I know he's out there. So suddenly, the wait doesn't seem so hopeless anymore.

I am not proud to be Canadian.

2011-06-22T21:13:00.000-04:00

Thankful, yes. But to say I'm truly proud to be a Canadian would be a complete and utter lie.

I don't believe there's really anything about us, especially not anymore that makes us identifiable as 'Canadians'. The stereotypes we even use in our own advertising applies to but a small fraction of Canadians. To step back and really see what it is that makes us Canadian, there are only three things that I could come up with for as long as I can remember. Beer, Hockey and Maple Syrup.

That's not a whole lot to base a cultural identity on.

I've been told that I should be proud to be Canadian because of our multi-cultural identity. But I see no pride in being unable to identify with what of that cultural aspect makes it my identity.

Free health care? I've been railed on for this before, but I don't see it as something that you can be proud about and use as a cultural identity. Thankful, of course. Especially for someone like me who has thousands of medical problems, I am incredibly grateful for our free medical care. But that doesn't instill in me a sense of being Canadian.

I'm not proud to be Canadian because these days it seems Canada is full of complainers. We have so much. We are given so much. Yes, there are political issues that factor into our every day lives, but at least we still have the freedom to live as we want, to practice the religion that we want and to raise our children the way we want. And yet, everything I see is Canadians using their freedom to complain about how rough we have it.

First the police aren't doing a good enough job, now they're doing too much. Canada Post being on strike is screwing us over and they're demanding too much and causing the economy to fall, but now that the government is ordering them back to work, they are out of line and removing our freedom of rights and lets rally behind the Canada Post workers.

We vote a majority conservative government and then complain that they have majority power. Or, we don't vote at all and then complain the party we didn't want is in power.

We complain that our neighbours cat walks across our yards, that there's no sidewalk plows and then when there are, that the sidewalk plows are doing too much damage.

In my entire 25 years, there are only two moments I can recall being able to look over these problems, and feeling in unison with my fellow Canadian citizens. Both moments were over Olympic Hockey Games. Hockey. A game.

Maybe I'm alone in this identity confusion, in this lack of pride for the land I call my home. Maybe I'm the only one who's tired of how much the country complains, whining about how we live in a police state and have no rights. But it doesn't matter if I'm alone.

This is how I feel.

This is how I always will feel. And I will always wonder how it feels to rally behind a flag feeling a common connection with the people around me because of pride in the land we come from.

Oh, Canada... I like you well enough. But I'm sorry, I can't really say I'm proud.

Good news, bad news and creepy Mc-Creepsters.

2011-06-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

I finally got in to see a doctor today (*insert long, incoherent rant about the inefficiency and waste of money that is our local after hours clinic here*) to see what was going on. Unfortunately, thanks to the stupid way our clinic is run, I had to take a detour through a town that's kind of somewhat halfway between work and home.

Due to some sort of emergency the doctor had to deal with, it was about an hour and a half before he could see me.

He felt the lump, asked me to describe when it had shown up, etc. and then told my it was this very long, fancy named type of a cyst. As gross as that is, I am considering it good news. Out of all the things it could have been, a cyst is not that bad.

The doc's instructions are that I need to put hot compression on it to bring it to a head so that it can drain.

And then comes the bad news. It's rather common that this thing won't come to a head, and won't drain itself, which means the next step is that they have to cut it out of me.

He explained they freeze the skin, make an incision or two to cut it out and drain it, then stitch it back up. Which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't terrified of doctors with sharp objects. I may have to request that they find a way to knock me out, because I can guarantee I will have a panic attack the moment the doctor brings the blade within a few inches of my chest.

However, there's no need to panic just yet. I still have a chance that it might sort itself out so long as I keep frying it with a hot water bottle.

In other news, the wonderful Ms. Elle from dELLEcatable has started a series on creepy man encounters and was crazy enough brave enough nice enough to let me do some guest posts in the series. My first post is up and is about Creepy Mc-Creepster, the Creepiest of them All. Please check it out. I'll be your friend if you do.

I'm just a little bit worried...

2011-06-19T19:41:00.000-04:00

And could really use some positive thoughts and prayers sent my way.

Last night, I found a small lump on my chest... figured it was just a pimple or a bug bite, so I ignored it... this morning, it was the size of a quarter, under my skin, and raised about 4 mm. And it hurts.

I still thought it was a bug bite, but the moment my mom felt it, she told me she wanted me to book an appointment with the doctor right away, and that there was no way I should be sitting on this.

So needless to say, I'm kind of freaking out a bit right now.

Any positive thoughts and prayers would be highly welcomed.

Getting bolder, or just getting weirder?

2011-06-18T23:19:00.000-04:00

Today I did something I've never done before. I went out... by myself. Like, out out. I had plans to go to an amusement park that were kind of iffy and eventually fell through, and so I decided I would go by myself.

I was told by some that makes me weird. I personally think it's a sign that I'm gaining more confidence.

This afternoon, I packed up and headed out to the city to go to Canada's Wonderland (which, for you Americans, is like our Six Flags) and headed off.

It felt a little weird, being there by myself. I was there for four and a half hours, all of which of course, I didn't say a word, except to order a drink, and tell a kid that no, I didn't mind if he took the empty seat beside me.

I don't think I'd ever go to it alone again, just because it does take out some of the fun. But, I'm proud of myself. I went, I did it, and for the few rides I made it on, I enjoyed myself.

I even managed to snap a couple of pics for you guys. I tried to do some videos, but it turned out I didn't hit record :(. So, just the pics for you to enjoy!

And that my friends, is why I'm sometimes ashamed to be a Canadian

2011-06-16T13:58:00.000-04:00

All this over a hockey game? Seriously. This is not what Canada is about. I hope they find and arrest as many of those jerks as possible. Because my faith in Canadians has been depleting since G-20...

You know you're a nerd when....

2011-06-15T14:52:00.000-04:00

Yep. I'm that cool.

I'm geeking out man! .... You are geeking out, Man.

2011-06-14T22:47:00.002-04:00

(10 billion geek cred points to whomever can tell me what movie I ripped and altered that quote from)

Before I say anything more, I will say this... if you have not seen X-Men 1st Class, you need to. Like right now. Drop what you're doing and go. Yup. Even if the theatre is closed.

Take away the fact that the entire cast (excluding Mastermind) is freakishly good-looking, and you still have an incredible bunch of actors that match their characters perfectly.

Like any comic book adaptation, there were a lot of inaccuracies, however for the most part, they worked. They weren't near as ghastly as the inaccuracies in X2 and X3 (the latter of course being the worst of them all).

I don't want to give away too much, which is why I'm not going into a lot of detail.

I will say this though... keep an eye out for three cameos from previous X-men cast members and two much younger versions of some of the mainstream X-men that are not actually in the movie.

It's been 2 hours since I got out of the theatre and I am still geeking out over how awesome this was. I may just have to go see it again. And maybe a third time. Then buy it the minute it comes out on video. Because it was that good.

It's official... I'm going public.

2011-06-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

After much thinking and weighing of the pros and cons, I have decided to shut down my other blog (Getting Into My World) and go public with this one.

Managing as many blogs as I have been has just been proving to be too much, especially since this one and GIMW are basically the same concept. The only real difference is that I am far more open on this one.

That was the main thing that worried me, but then I realized, if I'm posting anything I would be ashamed of people who know me seeing, then should I really be posting it at all? And truth be told, there's nothing on here that I am ashamed of.

Plus, it really isn't fair to my readers over that GIMW who followed me expecting to have regular posts and only get them once in a blue moon. So combining should make it easier for everyone.

And, I'm kind of done with the whole hiding thing. After all, if being confident and bold is what I'm aiming for, why should I be so afraid of speaking my mind?

So on that note, apologies to all of you who have me on your blogroll -- I'm going to be importing the posts from my old blog, so it might flood you... sorry about that. :(

Battle of the Bands.... the geeky adventure

2011-06-12T20:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not the girl I used to be.

2011-06-11T23:33:00.002-04:00

And I couldn't be happier.

Tonight one of my oldest and closest friends had a BBQ celebrating his return to Canada (he's been studying law in England), and it was a get-together of our core group from high school. I was there first, so we sat and talked about his adventures, and my recent escapades.

As we were talking, he stopped, looked at me and said "I'm impressed, this is not the Tabbi from 10 years ago."

"What, you mean the one who couldn't go anywhere alone and have a good time?" I asked.

At that moment, I realized that maybe I'm not so far off from finding me. Because he had a point. And the fact that it's showing that I've grown some courage means that I'm actually becoming that person. It made my night.

When the rest of our old gang showed up, I had zero social anxiety. The need I had always felt to impress them, to have to do something to make me worthy of them was gone. I was just comfortable. I was happy to be there. If they are going to like me, it's for me, not someone else.

I doubt my being socially awkward will ever change, but I've realized it doesn't matter. I am who I am, so take it or leave it. Because really, I kinda like me. And I've decided it's not worth it to sacrifice that for anyone.

On a completely unrelated note... tomorrow I will be posting another vlog, this one of mine and my sister's adventures at Battle of the Bands on Friday night. So don't miss it (because I totally make a fool out of myself).

Karoke Blogring of Death - Back to High School

2011-06-09T21:13:00.001-04:00

Having realized I have totally worn out the time of the month joke with this, I'm just going to tell you all how excited I am that KROD is back in action. For shizzleness. I've missed it and I'm sure you've all missed it too. After all, who doesn't want to see a bunch of adults make asses out of themselves?

If you all wanna see me play the guitar (for reals... I swear... :/ ...), check out Daniella's blog, The Chronicles of a College Girl

Otherwise, on with the show. Ya'll might remember the very first KROD I had the honour of hosting the sexy and amazing Jes from Jes Getting Started. Well, much to my EXTREME pleasure and excitement, I get to host her again. So, without any further rambling from me, THE ONE, THE ONLY, JEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

If y'all didnt already know I am the infamous Jes from a little known and often over looked blog called Jes Getting Started. I am beyond excited that Karaoke Ring of Death is back this month. This months theme is high school mixed tape and the song I have had in mind for a while fit perfectly.

For me high school was marked by the Columbine shooting, Y2K, and 9/11. But 9th grade was all about sleep overs with my best friend where I wrote love notes to my boyfriend, Moose, my best friend played Resident Evil, and we both drank crappy alcohol with the expressed purpose of being black out/passed out drunk before her mom stumbled home drunk her self. This is probably why I was such a drunkard in 10th grade and failed about everything except "crafts" class.

I want to thank Tabs for hosting me again this month because she is my lover and I cant imagine a better place to be. Make sure you head over to my blog to check out Tsa do the robot and bust out some Beastie Boys.

And as a warning my video is NSFW but I guess that should be the norm with me because if it isnt boobs it is bad language. This time its just some bad works and hand gestures, I kept the boobs under wraps. Sorry.

Karaoke Blog Ring - June from Jes Getting Started on Vimeo.

It's a Bird, It's a plane, it's GEEKY ME!

2011-06-08T21:53:00.000-04:00

So I decided to participate in the 20sb Vlog day... because I'm cool like that (which translates to loser, according to my sister, but whatever, only us bloggers understand it right?)

Please forgive my appearance, and the rambling. I was totally nervous.

This video post is part of 20SB’s Vlog Day and the topic is “Introduce Yourself”…anyone can participate! Details are here.

When I look at the stars, I feel like myself...

2011-06-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog I talked about not knowing who I am. I was on track to rediscovering me. Then I met Greene and somehow I got sidetracked. I stopped searching for the girl inside, the one who was waiting to be free, and settled into this girl who was rather complacent with herself.

It's not Greene's fault. He simply provided the opportunity for me to stop searching.

Trying to find yourself is hard. Especially when you don't know where to begin the search.

I found part of myself at the concert the other night. I found a girl who had long been forgotten. One who once lived by the motto 'Dance like no-one is watching and sing like no-one is listening'. I had convinced myself long ago that she was alive and well, but the truth was that girl was short lived. The confidence she projected was quickly lost amongst the need to have someone there to do it with. A friend or companion to be crazy and content with.

The confident girl with no fear had become buried amongst social anxieties and fear of being humiliated.

I caught a glimpse of her when I went out for drinks with my co-workers after work on Thursday (don't worry, knowing I'm a light-weight I stuck to Iced Tea). She settled in comfortably with her co-workers without a single sign of that social anxiety.

But it was only a moment, and then she was gone.

Saturday she surfaced again. Saturday, I was by myself. I may have been there with our youth, but I was not actually there with them. I was alone.

In a moment of boldness, she resurfaced and took me over. I danced and rocked out like no-one was watching. I walked up to one of the performers (Manafest) just to shake his hand and tell him that though I had never heard of him before, he totally blew me out of the water.

I returned to the concert, and danced some more. I talked to the guy beside me when he talked to me. I even managed to get up the nerve to ask him at the end of the night if he'd be interested in keeping in touch because I don't have many young adult friends. It freaked him out I think. He gave me his work e-mail. But I still did it. I took charge of myself, and I was bold, and I was fearless.

She disappeared again by Sunday morning. But not without a calling card to remind me that she's there and waiting.

I found one of the missing pieces of myself. Now time to find the rest.

I'm going to Guatemala.

2011-06-05T22:02:00.001-04:00

As some of you may recall from a couple posts back, I am learning to speak Spanish. While this has been something I wanted to do for a while, there is much more behind this than a desire to learn another language. There’s something big happening in my life, something I’ve never done before, and while I’ve known about this since mid-April, I wanted to wait until I was ready to launch everything surrounding it before sharing my news.

In February 2012 I’ll be doing something I’ve wanted to do for many years, but never had the opportunity or courage to do. For twelve days, I will be going on a missions trip to Guatemala City (in Guatemala… of course) with my church. Some of you may recall I posted about my sister and parents going this past February.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this will be a life-changing event for me. Chances are it’s going to take hold of my bi-polar and throw me for a massive loop. It will be emotional, it will be difficult and it will have a bigger impact on my life than possibly anything I’ve ever experienced.

Each year, we take on a building project along with doing some ‘in the field’ work such as visiting the mat ward at the hospital and blessing the new mommies with essentials that they would never get for the babies like clothing, blankets diapers and baby wipes.

Did you know that most babies in Guatemala, if they aren’t taken in the middle of the night, leave the hospital wrapped in old newspapers scrounged up? The first time I saw an image of that I burst out crying.

The majority of the things we take to Guatemala are gifts for the mommies, stuffed animals and clothing for children and clothing for some of the adults. We visit schools and learn about their lives and their culture.

But I don’t want to just sit here and tell you about everything we’re doing, I want to be able to show you. I want to enlist your support and love in this adventure, and if possible, take you along for as much of the ride as I can.

I have created a new blog specifically for this adventure. You can find it over at Permanecemos Unidos[United We Stand] or direct link at http://losamamoscomoajesus.blogspot.com .

I would love to have your support in any way you can offer it; thoughts and comments, prayers and encouraging thoughts, whatever.

I will be putting up a donations section, but please understand I am not asking formally for donations. The cost to get there is high, and if you feel led/on your heart to donate, I want you to be able to, but at the same time, I don’t want you all to feel as if I am expecting anything. I’ll have more details on the blog, but there will be two donation type options: 1) to help me get there or 2) to help with the cost of supplies to get there. How to donate will also be on the blog.

There is one other form of donation that I am formally asking for. If any of you are really good at making those friendship bracelets we all used to make with embroidery thread, I would love it if you could join me in making a whole bunch of these. The kids in Guatemala go absolutely crazy over them, and it would be amazing if I could share my blogging friends with the kids somehow.

And on that note, so begins this strange and different journey. The blog will be covering everything from prep and the beginning steps, to thoughts and why I am doing this, and so-on and so forth.

You all mean a lot to me, and I look forward to sharing my journey with those of you who are interested.

Love your favourite Ambiguous Geek,

Tabs <3

Let's pack up and move to California, hop on board before we get older...

2011-06-05T19:00:00.000-04:00

Last night I did something I haven't done since I was 21. I went to a concert.

There's this annual concert put on by our Christian Radio station called Air Raid. Actually, it must happen more than once a year, because the station hasn't been around for very long and this was Air Raid 19.

But anyways. One of my favourite Christian Bands happened to be headlining, and I thought about going, but had decided not to because I wasn't comfortable basically being there by myself. But then our youth pastor asked me if I could drive some youth down in turn for a free ticket, so I said sure.

I was ridiculously glad I went. Other than one terrible, terrible performance, the other three bands were amazing.

Hawk Nelson, the one that I love, blew my socks off.

And I did something I've never done before while there. I totally rocked out by myself. While I was kind of there with our youth group, I sort of stayed off on my own. I dunno, I just couldn't bring myself to stand by a bunch of 9-16 year olds.

I had so much fun I can't even begin to explain it. I just totally danced the night away and didn't care who was watching.

The first band, To Tell has kind of a pop-rocky sound to them. Their performance was okay, but I loved their music.

Manafest, who also is apparently on mainstream stuff like Much Music and MTV Canada was mindblowing. This dude can rap and rock out. He had incredible stage presence, and engaged the crowd so much. Even brought some kids up on stage with him.

And of course, Hawk Nelson stole my heart, especially when they played California, which was the first song I heard from them.

Here's a couple vids and pictures I took. :)

They're not very good, because my camera apparently doesn't do very well in dark places, but they're decent I guess.

Hawk Nelson

Manafest

I think the day I meet the man of my dreams will be the end of the world.

2011-05-31T21:29:00.001-04:00

At least, if it happens like it did in my dream last night, it will.

My dream started off fairly normal (or as normal as any of my dreams could be). I don't know where I was. A city maybe. All I knew was it was in Canada. I was on my cell phone texting my sister about her wedding and stuff, when some guy started trying to catch my attention. I looked up, saw him, and instantly we were in love. We just knew we were meant to be together. (Later on, after I woke up, I realized the guy was none other than Jay Baruschel, who it of course won't be since he's engaged to the amazing Alison Pill.... )

We talked for like five minutes and knew we were getting married (oh, dreams). And then, just as he was about to put his number into my phone, we were attacked by a hoard of partying zombies who managed to drag us down to the local TGI-Fridays (SP?)(Because apparently they have those in Toronto now...) . They continued to order more beers and to tip the waitresses while flirting.

Now, one thing to note is that though these were zombies, they did not look like zombies. They looked like living people. But you can't fool me and Jay Baruschel... so we ran outside and grabbed some poison-tipped swords (which were apparently the only way to kill zombies) and ran inside to slice and dice.

The first few died no problem but from there on, they just stopped dying. I'm pretty sure that was where my dream realized that I realized I was dreaming and was trying to prove to me it was still in control, because I spent a good five minutes arguing with a zombie that yes, the poison tipped blade does kill him, and no it does not matter that I only sliced him in the ribs because it's my dream and if I say you die, then you die!

After arguing with the last ten or so zombies until they died, Jay and I strolled out hand in hand into Central Park as he told me I was the coolest girl he ever met. We paused and looked adoringly into one another's eyes, and he leaned in for a kiss.... and then my alarm went off and woke me up. It also left me slightly disoriented because the first thing I tried to do was grab my poison-tipped sword to fend off a zombie that wasn't there.

And that, my friends, is why I'm pretty sure the world will end when I fall in love. Because clearly, something is warning me that it will cause the Zombie Apocalypse.

Drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho a Pirates Life for me!

2011-05-29T01:07:00.001-04:00

Today was a pretty awesome first weekend off.

One of my best friends was in town for the weekend before she heads off to Scotland, so we got together for dinner with our other good friend and one of her friends. It was so good being around real friends again. I miss it being the three of us, though that won't ever be again. But even so. We laughed, we ate, we exchanged stories and laughed some more. They're the kind of friends that it doesn't matter how much time we've spent apart, when we see one another we just pick up where we left off and things are perfect.

From there, I had the honour of taking my sister and her fiancee's engagement pictures. I really didn't think my photography was quite good enough, but my sister said she loves my pictures and wanted me to do it. So this evening, despite the overcast skies, we headed out of town to a small conservation area off the Grand River and took the photos. It was so much fun, and we got some amazing shots. I really wish I had a better camera, because I could have done SO much more, but I'm impressed with how they turned out. My sister looked absolutely beautiful (as always). I'll be sharing some of them on here once they've posted them on Facebook and shown everyone they wanted to see them the pictures.

Afterwards we went to see Pirates 4. As excited as I was to see it, I remained slightly skeptical. Still, Johnny Depp himself promised that this one would far exceed the last two.

I'm not going to give any spoilers, for those of you who haven't seen it... but it is absolutely amazing. Funny, random and witty, much like the first one was. The acting was SUBERB and Penelope Cruz made a far better pirate-ess (is that even a word) than Kiera Knightly did.

I also fell in love tonight. With a character. Because I'm that lame. And because I always have a soft spot for a man of God. Plus, he's gorgeous. I think I want to marry him.

*sigh*

Tomorrow sadly won't be nearly as exciting, as I have a tonne of housework to do and really need to clean my room.

Before I run away to dream about my new future husband I will leave you with one of the photos from this evening. I did manage to snap a picture of me and my baby sister, just to prove that I was there ;)

I'm over it.

2011-05-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

Just like that.

It was kind of nice to realize. I feel better. Lighter. Happier.

I'm looking forward to being friends with him again, much to my surprise.

And now that that's all over and done with, I'm going to sit down a write a list of all the things I want in a man, and all the things I shouldn't ever compromise again. Then I'm going to tuck it away, and leave it to fate to find him. Because I know he's out there.

As for right now? It's time to take my life back and live it to it's fullest.

Thank you everyone for all the love and support you gave me through this. Even though most of us are only connected through our blogs, it's nice to know that the caring is there, and that I think I can truly call you all friends.

<3

Uh huh, mmhmm, gonna get along without you now.

2011-05-26T21:30:00.000-04:00

The last couple of days has been pretty hard on me with the whole breakup thing. Then I found this song, and I just feel so much better. Don't you just love when you find a song that fits how you're feeling?

**I would like to note that he never actually did any of the things talked about in the song... but I think the song really represents the whole moving forward thing I'm trying to keep looking to.

Jo estoy aqui...

2011-05-26T21:21:00.000-04:00

and I am learning Spanish!

The beautiful and talented Ella at From the Stupidest Corner of My Mind is teaching me Spanish so that I can hopefully speak it fluently by February of next year.

Why by February? Well... some of you may have already seen it on my Facebook, but those that haven't, you'll just have to wait. There will be a special post coming up in the next few weeks regarding a very special project, and the Spanish ties into it.

While tonight's lesson was just the basics, I'm pretty sure I'm picking up on it fairly quickly. A lot of it is even more similar to French than I had thought. Even though the words can be very different, the methods on how the sentence structure and basic grammar work seem to follow the same guidelines. Which is of course a bonus for me.

I'm pretty excited about this. I've wanted to learn Spanish since I visited Cuba way back in '05, but I just haven't had the time. Now I do, and it's awesome :)

I'm also greatly considering taking a refresher course for my French. With the new job, we of course deal with Quebec and thus a lot of French speaking customers. It shouldn't be too difficult for me as I was fluent in the language at one point.

So who knows, by this time next year, I might be trilingual!